Life is always crazy, has ups and down, mountains and valleys… but sometimes, it seems like life gets stuck in a perpetual state of chaos, confusion, stress, and frustration. You know, when stress levels are high and and bad news follows bad news follows bad news and it doesn’t stop? It reminds me of an old Merle Haggard song I heard as child, where the chorus sings,
“Is the best of the free life behind us now?
And are the good times really over for good?
Are we rollin’ down hill like a snowball headed for hell?
When I was a child, I loved that song because I could sing “hell” and not get in trouble, haha! I really had no clue what it meant then, and in reality, I think the song was talking about the state of the world and how things were not as good as they used to be. However, when you think about it, when you make a snowball and then “roll” it in the snow, it gets bigger, that’s how you make a snow man, so here’s this snowball rolling down the hill getting bigger and bigger as it goes (bad news follows bad news) and then what happens when and if the snowball ever hits the bottom of that hill? One would imagine it’s going to explode into a big pile of snow, like a snow explosion! So, that analogy works for the actual meaning of the song as well as how my life has felt since early August 2021.
One can look at one major change that happened at that time and think I was blaming the state of life on that ONE change, but they would be wrong. It was that change that came with a new set of circumstances and chaos, followed by another change not so obvious to the naked eye that added to the chaos and then that chaos got rolled around in another chaos and got bigger and then it attracted more chaos that stuck and more chaos that stuck, to the point that here we are 9 months later and we have given birth to a situation that seems insurmountable. No matter how we’ve tried to stop it, or take it apart, analyze it and fix it, more chaos piles in. The stress is unbelievable, we (my fiancé and I) are exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. We are BOTH dealing with health issues that are exacerbated by a high stress situation that feels like there is no way out, no relief from, no breaks, no peace, no harmony. We feel isolated and alone and misunderstood and taken for granted and like we are used and abused treated like servants and an ATM. The only thing we THINK can fix any of it is money but we are stuck. We know it can and should change and things should not be this hard, but we feel powerless to change it as all our efforts bear no fruit. It all seems futile. I do not know how he is feeling, but my fiancé is only source of peace, and security in this whole situation and often, I am scared of even losing him and losing what little bit of peace and security I do have.
We both know things can and should change, but at this point we can’t seem to find a way to change it. We both struggle against the wind each day, trying to make things better. In the midst of it all, I lost my job on April 15th and about 2 weeks later, our only vehicle that we had JUST paid off and lowered ins from full coverage to liability, tore up on us. So now, not only are we fighting to survive mentally and emotionally each day, but we are also literally STUCK. He things money will solve alot of our issues, he has alot of things wrong with him and it keeps him from being able to do the “normal” job, so he obsesses and tries to find ways to make money online. I also try to find ways to make money online, while also filling out applications and submitting resumes and then I also have the curse of knowing that a clean uncluttered house helps everyone feel more peaceful and so I try to hard to get it that way and then I hate myself and everyone else else hates me too for being a nag and staying on everyone about maintaining what is done while getting more areas of the house clean and organized. It’s overwhelming, because it SEEMS like nobody else cares or appreciates this, so I feel alone sometimes in this endeavor and sometimes I feel resentful about it. But I try to remind myself that I cannot make others feel the same way I do, even though I KNOW they too are calmer and operate better in a clean uncluttered space.
There’s just ALOT, and we are tired and if I am honest sometimes feel hopeless and stuck and not sure how much harder we can try and yet, on some level we both know bad times do not last forever and we do not know when the answers will come.
I was not sure what would come out exactly when I started typing… I did not want to go into too much detail, but I needed to get shit off my chest. Usually I feel better, but right now… I don’t. Maybe I will blog again more often and see if I can help myself work through some of it, or maybe I will just get a journal and do it more privately.
Anyway… thanks for reading my ramblings and have a good night. While I hope you as the reader can relate, I really hope your life isn’t feeling as shitty as mine right now.