Life is always crazy, has ups and down, mountains and valleys… but sometimes, it seems like life gets stuck in a perpetual state of chaos, confusion, stress, and frustration. You know, when stress levels are high and and bad news follows bad news follows bad news and it doesn’t stop? It reminds me of an old Merle Haggard song I heard as child, where the chorus sings,

_{“Is the best of the free life behind us now?
And are the good times really over for good?
Are we rollin’ down hill like a snowball headed for hell?}

When I was a child, I loved that song because I could sing “hell” and not get in trouble, haha! I really had no clue what it meant then, and in reality, I think the song was talking about the state of the world and how things were not as good as they used to be. However, when you think about it, when you make a snowball and then “roll” it in the snow, it gets bigger, that’s how you make a snow man, so here’s this snowball rolling down the hill getting bigger and bigger as it goes (bad news follows bad news) and then what happens when and if the snowball ever hits the bottom of that hill? One would imagine it’s going to explode into a big pile of snow, like a snow explosion! So, that analogy works for the actual meaning of the song as well as how my life has felt since early August 2021.

One can look at one major change that happened at that time and think I was blaming the state of life on that ONE change, but they would be wrong. It was that change that came with a new set of circumstances and chaos, followed by another change not so obvious to the naked eye that added to the chaos and then that chaos got rolled around in another chaos and got bigger and then it attracted more chaos that stuck and more chaos that stuck, to the point that here we are 9 months later and we have given birth to a situation that seems insurmountable. No matter how we’ve tried to stop it, or take it apart, analyze it and fix it, more chaos piles in. The stress is unbelievable, we (my fiancé and I) are exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. We are BOTH dealing with health issues that are exacerbated by a high stress situation that feels like there is no way out, no relief from, no breaks, no peace, no harmony. We feel isolated and alone and misunderstood and taken for granted and like we are used and abused treated like servants and an ATM. The only thing we THINK can fix any of it is money but we are stuck. We know it can and should change and things should not be this hard, but we feel powerless to change it as all our efforts bear no fruit. It all seems futile. I do not know how he is feeling, but my fiancé is only source of peace, and security in this whole situation and often, I am scared of even losing him and losing what little bit of peace and security I do have.

We both know things can and should change, but at this point we can’t seem to find a way to change it. We both struggle against the wind each day, trying to make things better. In the midst of it all, I lost my job on April 15th and about 2 weeks later, our only vehicle that we had JUST paid off and lowered ins from full coverage to liability, tore up on us. So now, not only are we fighting to survive mentally and emotionally each day, but we are also literally STUCK. He things money will solve alot of our issues, he has alot of things wrong with him and it keeps him from being able to do the “normal” job, so he obsesses and tries to find ways to make money online. I also try to find ways to make money online, while also filling out applications and submitting resumes and then I also have the curse of knowing that a clean uncluttered house helps everyone feel more peaceful and so I try to hard to get it that way and then I hate myself and everyone else else hates me too for being a nag and staying on everyone about maintaining what is done while getting more areas of the house clean and organized. It’s overwhelming, because it SEEMS like nobody else cares or appreciates this, so I feel alone sometimes in this endeavor and sometimes I feel resentful about it. But I try to remind myself that I cannot make others feel the same way I do, even though I KNOW they too are calmer and operate better in a clean uncluttered space.

There’s just ALOT, and we are tired and if I am honest sometimes feel hopeless and stuck and not sure how much harder we can try and yet, on some level we both know bad times do not last forever and we do not know when the answers will come.

I was not sure what would come out exactly when I started typing… I did not want to go into too much detail, but I needed to get shit off my chest. Usually I feel better, but right now… I don’t. Maybe I will blog again more often and see if I can help myself work through some of it, or maybe I will just get a journal and do it more privately.

Anyway… thanks for reading my ramblings and have a good night. While I hope you as the reader can relate, I really hope your life isn’t feeling as shitty as mine right now.

I used to think I was a great communicator. The highlight of my day was to find someone who loved to talk about anything and everything! I loved when I could spend hours talking with a friend (or even a stranger I just met) and we could start out talking about one thing and by the time we finished, we had talked about everything under the sun and could still find more to talk about, like the conversation never truly ended! My soul feels like it comes alive when I converse that way with someone and I always thought that the other person and I BOTH just kind of interrupted each other from time to time, jumping from topic to topic, but we still heard each other and we were ok with the interruptions, because that’s how the conversation was going. At times, it almost felt intoxicating!

However, in the last 6-7 years my life changed drastically from what it used to be. I am in a new location, the people I used to be around on a daily basis has changed, the type of work I do has changed. I have changed as well.. life forces that on you sometimes. But the CORE me? I’m still here. I still LONG for deep and meaningful conversation, but it seems that suddenly in the last few years, it has been a struggle to communicate.

My words and intentions are completely misunderstood, I have become the villain in so many people’s lives, and I try so hard to communicate, but it’s like my methods suddenly became outdated. I almost feel like I imagined a time when my sparkpeople blogs were read by several people, and where people enjoyed having conversations with me. Like, I remember people telling me how “self aware” I was and how well I wrote and communicated and acting like they were so impressed with that!

Now, the feedback I get is that I ramble too much, that I interrupt all the time, but nobody seems to realize they also interrupt, even more than I do! I get feedback that I “act” like I do not like people and I have NO IDEA how they got that idea! Nobody seems interested in my ideas, or thoughts, or what I know and believe and think. I feel like I’m only around to listen to what everyone else has to say and they don’t care what I have to say. They will ask, but when I answer, I am too much. When I just share my ideas, I am “forcing people to do my bidding” when I really am not saying you are wrong, do it this way, I am just discussing ideas!

It shakes my confidence in this area and makes me question myself and everyone in my past. Were they just telling me what I wanted to hear? Am I really self absorbed and oblivious to the point that I cannot see what I am doing? Were they just putting up with me?

MAYBE… and I hope maybe this is the real answer, even though it makes me feel bad about myself. Maybe… I HAVE talked too much, maybe I HAVE shared my ideas without invitation and this is life’s way of calling me to a higher level of communication where I listen more than I talk? Maybe it’s time for me to process things on my own inside myself and only share my ideas when people ask and then just share tidbits, so as not to overwhelm them? Maybe it’s the universe telling me to shut the fuck up and let someone else talk for awhile, to focus on others and making them feel heard?

If that is the case, why does it feel like an insult? Why does it feel draining and like I am not present anymore and like my voice is suppressed? Am I looking at it wrong? Am I sharing with the wrong people? Maybe I just need to learn who wants to hear me and who doesn’t or maybe that is even wrong? MAYBE, it’s more about who needs me to just listen to them and not offer feedback, and who wants to actually engage in a conversation and who it is that loves conversation as much as I do and is not bothered by my excitement when we strike a mutual chord?

I guess it’s time to quit fighting and stomping my feet demanding to be heard and valued and listened too and just listen to others and then be grateful when the time comes when someone WANTS to hear what I have to offer. I am not sure where to start with this, except to be more aware of the urge to speak and then stop and listen and ask myself if they are inviting me to speak or if they just need to be heard?

So many times we, meaning I too, sit around wishing, but not doing.

We want a cleaner house, a smaller waistline, more money, better relationships with family and significant others, less clutter, more fulfilling jobs and so on.

We research it and read about it, we watch videos and how to’s, we talk about it, dream about it, even visualize it and we WAIT for it to happen.

So, remember my blog titled Self Care? I talked about Laura Doyle and relationships and how she said if you want to improve your relationship, to START with self care! I made my list of 20, but I admit that I do not always get 3 things done in a days time and I need to start prioritizing it!

So, the next step is to focus on your desires, the things you want! This is why… what you focus on increases, if you focus on what you DON”T want, that will increase, but if you focus on what you want, THAT will increase. She talked about how we will often not know what we desire or that as soon as we think it, we will dismiss it, or think how impossible it is and then we feel hopeless and stuck, but if we allow ourselves to admit what we want, even if we think it might be impossible, we allow ourselves to dream and to think about maybe it could, or what if it could happen?

She says we need to make a list of things we desire, even if they are contradictory or if they change from day to day or time to time, to just allow ourselves to express our desires is a healthy habit. She says this is important, because after we list our desires, she will teach us how to say them out loud to our partner WITHOUT manipulation or expectation. Plus, she says, when we are tempted to complain, we can ask ourselves, “What is my unexpressed desire behind this complaint?”

I am not sure how this will work or how it will improve my relationship, but this is a relationship I want to last forever, so I am willing to change my ways of communication in order for that to happen!

Here’s my list of desires…

1. To lose my belly fat AND not have loose skin.
2. To go on a romantic getaway with just Mel.
3. Have a closer relationship with my kids again and for them to give Mel respect
4. New bra & undies
5. Clothing I’ve never had.. like, bralettes, more interesting lingerie, a bustier, boots, cute shoes, good fitting leggings with tops that look good with them, everyday dresses…
6. To be healthier and more fit to do active things
7. To regain the range of motion in my shoulders, so that I can use my arms to do normal things without pain.
8. To try more hairstyles
9. To get the hair treatment I want, can’t think of the name of it right now, but it makes your hair look all healthy and pretty again.
10. To have a clean organized home that feels peaceful and comfortable and that I can entertain in.

So, I realize the first one might be impossible as large as my stomach is, BUT, maybe, just maybe one day I will have to funds to get skin removal surgery after I lose the fat? This is one that is super fun to think about, because it also ties into desire number 6, to be able to do more active things in my life without being hindered!

So, I listed my desires, it was hard not to expound on them further, because that’s me, that’s how I am, lol! Now, I will read on to find out how to speak these aloud without any kind of manipulation or expectation. That’s super hard, I already know… because most of everything we do, has some kind of expectation tied to it!

Wish me luck!
Shanshe

I typically know when I need to blog. I can tell the need is there when I start feeling sad, conflicted, stressed or I have all this stuff to say and nobody to say it to!

Here’s the thing, I was wondering why when I started blogging last month I was blogging almost daily and sometimes twice a day and then I slacked off. Well, when I realized the truth of the last statement, it makes more sense. I had a lot of build up of emotions and thoughts and struggles and I had no good place to get it all out.

It makes sense now that I am in a better place and not having to blog as much, because I pretty much unloaded, haha!

I think part of the reason I feel the need to blog is because work is super stressful right now and I don’t have time to chill out and take care of me, my self care is lacking and I’m feeling emotional and stressed in other areas as well because of there’s no downtime at work because it’s “rush”.

Plus, I want and NEED time with my boyfriend, just him and I AWAY from home and it seems no matter what we plan or what’s going on, it just isn’t happening! It’s frustrating to no end that something just keeps coming up over and over! We’ve had several issues that seem to keep recurring and I feel like we need some fun time to bond and let go of the tension if that even makes sense!

And now it has taken me 2 days to do this crazy blog and I only feel I’ve gotten just a tiny bit out and I do not have time to continue. So, I’m going to post this and hope for more time tomorrow to blog.

To the beach, that is… I had fun, but I feel like we didn’t plan it as well as we should have and the reason for that is… (besides money which is ALWAYS an issue), some of it, we just did not know how it would turn out, so we couldn’t really plan for it, ya know?

The majority of our trip was spent in the car…, partly due to money, and partly due to not planning enough or taking the right things to occupy the kiddos. So… I’m trying to let the crummy parts of the trip roll off and just focus on the fun parts and possibly even re-frame some of the crummy parts into a new way of looking at it. I mean, the rental car with deposit and all was about $500. However, we looked online and if we plan the trip at the right time, we could fly round trip for 2 people, along with the hotel for the week AND a rental car while there for a little over $1,000! Plus, if we had rearranged our drive… we would have had more time with all 4 of us (we were picking one kid up) AND… I think Christmas and birthdays will bring US (Mel and I) a Christmas present of portable DVD players or something, lol! Plus, we need beach toys next time and a better more secluded beach so we can find some sea shells! Everything seemed rushed a bit and next time we will plan for more downtime so we can relax and enjoy more.

However… the beach!! Oh my! I LOVED every second there! The sun, the sand, the salt water, the smell! Last beach I saw was Daytona and unless it’s changed, it’s a dump compared to Ft. Walton Beach! I would love to visit different beaches along the coast in the future! That water was clear and green (almost like clear turquoise or mint green) and just absolutely gorgeous!

I noticed a difference in myself. I wasn’t looking around comparing myself to other women, or to see if there were any fat ladies like me, or whatever, I just had fun and I felt somewhat confident! I wasn’t worried that people might be looking at me and judging. My bathing suit looked nice and the only problem was that the bottoms wanted to slide down in the front and the top wanted to slide up, but I just pulled the bottoms up and pulled the top down. It helped that I got to dye my grays before heading down there and I found some cool sunglasses that looked good on me! I took way too many selfies with those sunglasses, lol! I like this new version of me, just being who I am and trying to enjoy the moment!

I still have work to do though! If you look at my body… you would think, ya know, if you just cut the belly off, the rest is ok, it can be exercised, toned, rounded… but the belly. THAT is my nemesis, it’s huge and it gets in my way in practically EVERYTHING! It makes walking hard, it makes intimacy difficult, it makes clothes looking decent near impossible. It makes me look like i have chicken legs. I can’t sit and bend straight over to tie my shoes, I can’t shave the bikini line, I can’t paint my toe nails, I can’t see underneath my stomach… I realize that stress causes cortisone levels to increase and cortisone causes stomach fat. I had ALOT of stress for ALOT of years and I gave up on exercise at times and I gave up on trying to look good and I had people who were supposed to love me tell me that now that my stomach had drooped and had gotten so big that no matter what I did, no matter how much I lost or how much I exercised that I would never get rid of my stomach flab and that it might even hang  lower and that I would NEVER have the money to get a tummy tuck, etc… I had an unexpected pregnancy at 27 and while pregnant, the stomach got huge and I had that droop all of a sudden where the hard pregnant belly was higher and that lower droop was loose and flabby, and then after EACH baby, I would gain 30 pounds in 3 months and I believe now that it was post-partum depression.

ANYWAY… I have decided that if I lose weight that I might still have a stomach and it might be flab, BUT… it will be smaller and easier to maneuver and it will, if nothing else SMOOSH easier! 😉 AND… maybe I will have insurance that will pay for skin removal?? I don’t want to be SKINNY, but I want to be able to move and function and improve my HEALTH and hopefully my life span expectancy! I have alot to live for!

Shanshe

I haven’t been to the beach since I was 15 and I am 44. 29 years… HOLY COW! To say I am excited would be an understatement! The fact that I fell and skinned my knees this morning only dampens my excitement a tiny bit. The salt water will burn, but I don’t think I can NOT get in the water after 29 years, right?

It will be me, my boyfriend and his kiddos, so we will be making memories and I look forward to that!

I’m low on time right now though, so I’m gonna close this blog and I don’t think I’ll have time to blog while gone, so here’s to hopefully relaxing and having fun!

Shanshe

This started out as a fb post… then I realized that it was too good to JUST be on fb and MAYBE…. it doesn’t belong on there at all! Right now,  I’m the only one that sees it!

Here it is…

Intentionally causing emotional, mental or physical pain in another person is NOT making them stronger…

Maybe you should focus on healing your own hurts instead of trying to make their pain equal your own.

Maybe… they left that abyss long ago and their purpose is to shed light on your path, so you can walk out to find health, hope, love, sunshine and healing.

But… you have to take the chance that they aren’t as stupid and inexperienced as you believe them to be. That MAYBE, just maybe, they’ve learned a thing or two about pain, love and healing.

If you keep dragging them down into the abyss, you will watch as all the things you love and admire about them disappear and they just become a shell… a dim glimmer of the light, love and laughter that once attracted you to them.

Then! A funny thing happens, you will find the proof that you’ve been looking for all along, that they are just like everyone else… and that they aren’t who they appeared to be.

Funny how you make your own fears come true!

Because nobody can possibly understand the pain you endure… nobody can remotely relate.

So, you simply dismiss whatever truth they speak into your life.

Rinse and Repeat…

So, I typically work 1-10 pm and I’m working 7 am-4 pm today! I left work last night at 10, could not sleep most of the night and then got here at 7 am. BUT, I volunteered for it, so that I could have the evening with my honey and maybe get to watch fireworks together! Plus, I don’t have to be back until 1 pm tomorrow AND… it’s time and a half.

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New Topic

So, a week ago today, I was off work for an appointment and both our phones were still out of service (no WiFi at home either) and Mel had to leave after he took me to go help his dad out for a few days. I stayed home because I had to work the next day and I PLANNED on cleaning some and reading my new Kindle book some and back and forth to get stuff accomplished but still have a “me” day.

What Actually Took Place

I read the book for about 45 minutes to an hour and then I was super sleepy and thought, I’d take a nap, get up in a couple of hours and clean. I woke up 3 hours later, feeling kind of drunk, “headachy” and groggy and struggling to wake up. But, I got up, used the bathroom and ate and started reading again. Long story short… I couldn’t stop reading the book, I read ALL 24 chapters that day and got NOTHING cleaned, straightened or organized. Told myself I would get up the next morning and do a bit before work… barely got up in time to get ready for work.

So, typically, I beat myself up for not being productive when I have the chance and I’d be lying if I said that tendency wasn’t begging for attention, even a week later. However, it’s been a REALLY long time since I’ve had very much alone time AT ALL and even longer since I’ve had the time to read a book I wanted to read that I knew I needed the message from, etc… A long time since I actually had permission or even GAVE myself permission to be lazy.

That tendency to beat myself up for it is stronger since I haven’t had much time at all to do anything productive since then and we are trying to get ready to go out of town and I’m thinking of all the stuff I should’ve had done already and the laundry we will need clean and how the house would be more welcome to come home to if it were cleaner and more organized, etc… etc… etc…

Maybe I will always struggle with this issue, but I know that I need some down time, some fun time, some ME time and even if things do not get done (they aren’t done anyway, ya know), I might as well TAKE that time that I need. I will be happier and happier equals less grouchy and less tired and less needy, whiny and clingy, and MAYBE… just a tad more confident??

I only slept maybe a solid hour last night and was only “down” for sleep about 2.5 to 3 hours, so I can FEEL my tiredness affecting me and my emotions. I get off at 4 pm and I WANT to spend some fun time with Mel, but I am worried that without a little bit of sleep, it won’t work out well. He is getting some sleep while I am work, so that will help his mood… Hopefully, we can move the plans out a couple hours, while I take a nap? We don’t have anything set in stone anyway.

I’m gonna sign off here for now… I just ate chips for lunch and I’m even more tired. I know it’s not healthy, just low on money and didn’t have much of anything to grab and bring with.

Have a Happy 4th ya’ll!
Shanshe

So, every relationship has it’s up’s and down’s, right? I am finding that in this day and age, EVERYONE has baggage, no matter how long you’ve had to get over and deal with your past. I have noticed that for me… I think I’m past something and then next thing I know it comes back to the surface in one form or another. Then, I have to go deeper and deal with it in a different way and become more aware, etc…

I have this guy that I love so much and although we’ve only been together a little over 2 years, we have been through some STUFF. When stuff first started, I was much better at being understanding and considerate, etc… I still struggled with being clingy and needy, but I was better able to catch it and back up. As time has gone on though, I find I’m not as understanding, that I’m frustrated and codependent/controlling and scared and fearful and I see that I tend to remind him of all his exes (who don’t trust him, who tell him what to do and basically, who does not respect him) and he will say or do things that remind me of my former husband. Things that make he feel like he doesn’t care how I feel, etc…

When I can back up and have some moments of clarity, I KNOW that my reactions are not helping either of us and they are pushing him away. Right now, we still make up, but there are times when issues come back up and the fights happen sooner and they are getting uglier and just all that mess, right?

So, my point in all this is… I love him and he loves me and I know we can build a beautiful life together, but not if we continue to go down this path we seem to be starting. I think… “Surely, there is a better way!”

I learned in Al-Anon that I cannot control others, but I CAN control myself! So, I went on a search for something that might help and I found Laura Doyle! For a year off and on I have been reading her blogs, participating in the FB community and trying haphazardly to practice the “skills” she teaches. I have struggled, because once things get easy and nice again, I forget and slide back into old habits.

Lately, things have been tough and they have lightened up some and gotten better, but I want to practice these skills until they become a part of me. The awesome thing is the VERY FIRST skill that she tells you to practice is self care! What? Seriously! And you must hear what her definition of self care is…

“Focusing time and effort on activities (or non-activities), that make you feel good, IN THE MOMENT”

So, this isn’t about doing things that make you feel good later and you know what else? She says to plan pleasure FIRST, not after you get your chore list done AND, she says that your time seems to expand when you put yourself first! In fact, this is what she says about planning pleasure first!

“The indispensable first step to having a great relationship is to make yourself happy by practicing self-care.”

When you think about it, in relationships we always think the other person should make us happy! When we are single, we say, “Make yourself happy!” When we are in a relationship, we say, “If they aren’t making you happy, you should leave or end it.” When did it become someone else’s job to make us happy?

I’m not saying stay in a miserable, toxic relationship. What I AM saying is that you cannot rely on or expect others to make you happy. Ultimately, that is your/my job to do it for ourselves.

Anyway, one of the first things in her book I’m reading says to:

“Make a list of twenty things that you enjoy doing just because they make you happy. This is not a list of things you feel you should be doing, but things that delight you. The more frivolous the better!”

So… I realize this is already long, but I’m going to post my list of 20 here… IF I can come up with that many!

1. Reading books that AREN’T self improvement, just fiction for the sake of reading
2. Watching a girly show, or movie with drama, laughter, tears
3. Savoring a chocolate bar or sweets/dessert
   
4. Holding the new grandson when he’s near… looking at pics and videos of him when he isn’t
   
5. Writing and sending an encouraging letter or card to someone else, or even just a catch-up letter
   
6. Connecting with my older children, as well as family and friends I haven’t talked to in awhile.
   
7. Blogging feels good when I need to vent or I’m excited about something
8. Drinking a hot cup of coffee with a pastry of some kind
   
9. Getting a mani and/or pedi
   
10. Getting my hair washed, cut and styled at the beauty salon ( I LOVE when people play with my hair!!!)
    
11. Dancing (alone) – but want to practice to get better so I feel more confident to dance in front of others – I also want to do a “sexy” dance routine for my man, so… dancing alone might be a good thing to work this routine up and get confident with it!
    
12. Listening to music for whatever mood I might be in
    
13. Trying new foods that I don’t NORMALLY order just to do something different
    
14. When I’m feeling all domestic, I enjoy cooking
    
15. Dreaming and planning for the future, but not when I get too obsessive about it
    
16. Sitting outside in the sun or breeze, not doing anything, just sitting… maybe a drink to match the weather
    
17. Drinking an alcoholic beverage with a nice dinner, or during a girls night or just because – trying a drink or type of alcohol I’ve never tried before ties in with this. I don’t enjoy getting drunk though…
    
18. Having deep, meaningful conversation (hard to do by yourself and nobody seems to have time for it these days – but I DO crave it)!
    
19. Naps are fun, even short ones
    
20. Go for a walk, just to walk, not to be in a hurry or exercise or any of that, just to be out in nature enjoying the scenery

Other Self Care Ideas

I linked the above url due to that list of 20 was harder than it sounds and I had to google this article to help me with ideas on the last few! Seriously, I asked myself the question on each one, do I enjoy this activity or do I enjoy the results? For instance, I enjoy feeling like I look pretty with my make-up on, my nails done and my hair fixed, but I do not necessarily get excited to paint my nails, fix my make-up or hair… it’s just a means to an end. UNLESS… I am not rushing for work and I have time to just play around and experiment, etc… So, my list of 20 are all things that make me excited when just thinking about doing them, not how I will feel after.

Hey, it’s a start! LD (Laura Doyle) says you should PLAN to do at LEAST 3 fun self-care items/day and that if you are feeling grumpy or dissatisfied, then you should do more! The idea is to fill up your own tank of feel good!

So, what do you all think of this? Anyone familiar with Laura Doyle’s relationship coaching? What do YOU like to do for self care fun? PLEASE… don’t think that her entire teaching is that self-care will make your relationship work, lol! It’s just the starting point to feeling better and being responsible for yourself! We all know things look better and have a more promising outlook when we ourselves are happy and doing things to take care of us!

Feel free to join me in this adventure!
Shanshe