My Desire’s

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So, remember my blog titled Self Care? I talked about Laura Doyle and relationships and how she said if you want to improve your relationship, to START with self care! I made my list of 20, but I admit that I do not always get 3 things done in a days time and I need to start prioritizing it!

So, the next step is to focus on your desires, the things you want! This is why… what you focus on increases, if you focus on what you DON”T want, that will increase, but if you focus on what you want, THAT will increase. She talked about how we will often not know what we desire or that as soon as we think it, we will dismiss it, or think how impossible it is and then we feel hopeless and stuck, but if we allow ourselves to admit what we want, even if we think it might be impossible, we allow ourselves to dream and to think about maybe it could, or what if it could happen?

She says we need to make a list of things we desire, even if they are contradictory or if they change from day to day or time to time, to just allow ourselves to express our desires is a healthy habit. She says this is important, because after we list our desires, she will teach us how to say them out loud to our partner WITHOUT manipulation or expectation. Plus, she says, when we are tempted to complain, we can ask ourselves, “What is my unexpressed desire behind this complaint?”

I am not sure how this will work or how it will improve my relationship, but this is a relationship I want to last forever, so I am willing to change my ways of communication in order for that to happen!

Here’s my list of desires…

  1. To lose my belly fat AND not have loose skin.
  2. To go on a romantic getaway with just Mel.
  3. Have a closer relationship with my kids again and for them to give Mel respect
  4. New bra & undies
  5. Clothing I’ve never had.. like, bralettes, more interesting lingerie, a bustier, boots, cute shoes, good fitting leggings with tops that look good with them, everyday dresses…
  6. To be healthier and more fit to do active things
  7. To regain the range of motion in my shoulders, so that I can use my arms to do normal things without pain.
  8. To try more hairstyles
  9. To get the hair treatment I want, can’t think of the name of it right now, but it makes your hair look all healthy and pretty again.
  10. To have a clean organized home that feels peaceful and comfortable and that I can entertain in.

So, I realize the first one might be impossible as large as my stomach is, BUT, maybe, just maybe one day I will have to funds to get skin removal surgery after I lose the fat? This is one that is super fun to think about, because it also ties into desire number 6, to be able to do more active things in my life without being hindered!

So, I listed my desires, it was hard not to expound on them further, because that’s me, that’s how I am, lol! Now, I will read on to find out how to speak these aloud without any kind of manipulation or expectation. That’s super hard, I already know… because most of everything we do, has some kind of expectation tied to it!

Wish me luck!
Shanshe

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I Need To Blog…

I typically know when I need to blog. I can tell the need is there when I start feeling sad, conflicted, stressed or I have all this stuff to say and nobody to say it to!

Here’s the thing, I was wondering why when I started blogging last month I was blogging almost daily and sometimes twice a day and then I slacked off. Well, when I realized the truth of the last statement, it makes more sense. I had a lot of build up of emotions and thoughts and struggles and I had no good place to get it all out.

It makes sense now that I am in a better place and not having to blog as much, because I pretty much unloaded, haha!

I think part of the reason I feel the need to blog is because work is super stressful right now and I don’t have time to chill out and take care of me, my self care is lacking and I’m feeling emotional and stressed in other areas as well because of there’s no downtime at work because it’s “rush”.

Plus, I want and NEED time with my boyfriend, just him and I AWAY from home and it seems no matter what we plan or what’s going on, it just isn’t happening! It’s frustrating to no end that something just keeps coming up over and over! We’ve had several issues that seem to keep recurring and I feel like we need some fun time to bond and let go of the tension if that even makes sense!

And now it has taken me 2 days to do this crazy blog and I only feel I’ve gotten just a tiny bit out and I do not have time to continue. So, I’m going to post this and hope for more time tomorrow to blog.

Can I Go Back??

To the beach, that is… I had fun, but I feel like we didn’t plan it as well as we should have and the reason for that is… (besides money which is ALWAYS an issue), some of it, we just did not know how it would turn out, so we couldn’t really plan for it, ya know?

The majority of our trip was spent in the car…, partly due to money, and partly due to not planning enough or taking the right things to occupy the kiddos. So… I’m trying to let the crummy parts of the trip roll off and just focus on the fun parts and possibly even re-frame some of the crummy parts into a new way of looking at it. I mean, the rental car with deposit and all was about $500. However, we looked online and if we plan the trip at the right time, we could fly round trip for 2 people, along with the hotel for the week AND a rental car while there for a little over $1,000! Plus, if we had rearranged our drive… we would have had more time with all 4 of us (we were picking one kid up) AND… I think Christmas and birthdays will bring US (Mel and I) a Christmas present of portable DVD players or something, lol! Plus, we need beach toys next time and a better more secluded beach so we can find some sea shells! Everything seemed rushed a bit and next time we will plan for more downtime so we can relax and enjoy more.

However… the beach!! Oh my! I LOVED every second there! The sun, the sand, the salt water, the smell! Last beach I saw was Daytona and unless it’s changed, it’s a dump compared to Ft. Walton Beach! I would love to visit different beaches along the coast in the future! That water was clear and green (almost like clear turquoise or mint green) and just absolutely gorgeous!

I noticed a difference in myself. I wasn’t looking around comparing myself to other women, or to see if there were any fat ladies like me, or whatever, I just had fun and I felt somewhat confident! I wasn’t worried that people might be looking at me and judging. My bathing suit looked nice and the only problem was that the bottoms wanted to slide down in the front and the top wanted to slide up, but I just pulled the bottoms up and pulled the top down. It helped that I got to dye my grays before heading down there and I found some cool sunglasses that looked good on me! I took way too many selfies with those sunglasses, lol! I like this new version of me, just being who I am and trying to enjoy the moment!

I still have work to do though! If you look at my body… you would think, ya know, if you just cut the belly off, the rest is ok, it can be exercised, toned, rounded… but the belly. THAT is my nemesis, it’s huge and it gets in my way in practically EVERYTHING! It makes walking hard, it makes intimacy difficult, it makes clothes looking decent near impossible. It makes me look like i have chicken legs. I can’t sit and bend straight over to tie my shoes, I can’t shave the bikini line, I can’t paint my toe nails, I can’t see underneath my stomach… I realize that stress causes cortisone levels to increase and cortisone causes stomach fat. I had ALOT of stress for ALOT of years and I gave up on exercise at times and I gave up on trying to look good and I had people who were supposed to love me tell me that now that my stomach had drooped and had gotten so big that no matter what I did, no matter how much I lost or how much I exercised that I would never get rid of my stomach flab and that it might even hang¬† lower and that I would NEVER have the money to get a tummy tuck, etc… I had an unexpected pregnancy at 27 and while pregnant, the stomach got huge and I had that droop all of a sudden where the hard pregnant belly was higher and that lower droop was loose and flabby, and then after EACH baby, I would gain 30 pounds in 3 months and I believe now that it was post-partum depression.

ANYWAY… I have decided that if I lose weight that I might still have a stomach and it might be flab, BUT… it will be smaller and easier to maneuver and it will, if nothing else SMOOSH easier! ūüėČ AND… maybe I will have insurance that will pay for skin removal?? I don’t want to be SKINNY, but I want to be able to move and function and improve my HEALTH and hopefully my life span expectancy! I have alot to live for!

Shanshe

Vacation!

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I haven’t been to the beach since I was 15 and I am 44. 29 years… HOLY COW! To say I am excited would be an understatement! The fact that I fell and skinned my knees this morning only dampens my excitement a tiny bit. The salt water will burn, but I don’t think I can NOT get in the water after 29 years, right?

It will be me, my boyfriend and his kiddos, so we will be making memories and I look forward to that!

I’m low on time right now though, so I’m gonna close this blog and I don’t think I’ll have time to blog while gone, so here’s to hopefully relaxing and having fun!

Shanshe

The Abyss…

This started out as a fb post… then I realized that it was too good to JUST be on fb and MAYBE…. it doesn’t belong on there at all! Right now,¬† I’m the only one that sees it!

Here it is…

Intentionally causing emotional, mental or physical pain in another person is NOT making them stronger…

Maybe you should focus on healing your own hurts instead of trying to make their pain equal your own.

Maybe… they left that abyss long ago and their purpose is to shed light on your path, so you can walk out to find health, hope, love, sunshine and healing.

But… you have to take the chance that they aren’t as stupid and inexperienced as you believe them to be. That MAYBE, just maybe, they’ve learned a thing or two about pain, love and healing.

If you keep dragging them down into the abyss, you will watch as all the things you love and admire about them disappear and they just become a shell… a dim glimmer of the light, love and laughter that once attracted you to them.

Then! A funny thing happens, you will find the proof that you’ve been looking for all along, that they are just like everyone else… and that they aren’t who they appeared to be.

Funny how you make your own fears come true!

Because nobody can possibly understand the pain you endure… nobody can remotely relate.

So, you simply dismiss whatever truth they speak into your life.

Rinse and Repeat…

~!~ Happy Independence Day ~!~

July 4th

So, I typically work 1-10 pm and I’m working 7 am-4 pm today! I left work last night at 10, could not sleep most of the night and then got here at 7 am. BUT, I volunteered for it, so that I could have the evening with my honey and maybe get to watch fireworks together! Plus, I don’t have to be back until 1 pm tomorrow AND… it’s time and a half.

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New Topic

So, a week ago today, I was off work for an appointment and both our phones were still out of service (no WiFi at home either) and Mel had to leave after he took me to go help his dad out for a few days. I stayed home because I had to work the next day and I PLANNED on cleaning some and reading my new Kindle book some and back and forth to get stuff accomplished but still have a “me” day.

What Actually Took Place

I read the book for about 45 minutes to an hour and then I was super sleepy and thought, I’d take a nap, get up in a couple of hours and clean. I woke up 3 hours later, feeling kind of drunk, “headachy” and groggy and struggling to wake up. But, I got up, used the bathroom and ate and started reading again. Long story short… I couldn’t stop reading the book, I read ALL 24 chapters that day and got NOTHING cleaned, straightened or organized. Told myself I would get up the next morning and do a bit before work… barely got up in time to get ready for work.

So, typically, I beat myself up for not being productive when I have the chance and I’d be lying if I said that tendency wasn’t begging for attention, even a week later. However, it’s been a REALLY long time since I’ve had very much alone time AT ALL and even longer since I’ve had the time to read a book I wanted to read that I knew I needed the message from, etc… A long time since I actually had permission or even GAVE myself permission to be lazy.

That tendency to beat myself up for it is stronger since I haven’t had much time at all to do anything productive since then and we are trying to get ready to go out of town and I’m thinking of all the stuff I should’ve had done already and the laundry we will need clean and how the house would be more welcome to come home to if it were cleaner and more organized, etc… etc… etc…

Maybe I will always struggle with this issue, but I know that I need some down time, some fun time, some ME time and even if things do not get done (they aren’t done anyway, ya know), I might as well TAKE that time that I need. I will be happier and happier equals less grouchy and less tired and less needy, whiny and clingy, and MAYBE… just a tad more confident??

I only slept maybe a solid hour last night and was only “down” for sleep about 2.5 to 3 hours, so I can FEEL my tiredness affecting me and my emotions. I get off at 4 pm and I WANT to spend some fun time with Mel, but I am worried that without a little bit of sleep, it won’t work out well. He is getting some sleep while I am work, so that will help his mood… Hopefully, we can move the plans out a couple hours, while I take a nap? We don’t have anything set in stone anyway.

I’m gonna sign off here for now… I just ate chips for lunch and I’m even more tired. I know it’s not healthy, just low on money and didn’t have much of anything to grab and bring with.

Have a Happy 4th ya’ll!
Shanshe

Self Care

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So, every relationship has it’s up’s and down’s, right? I am finding that in this day and age, EVERYONE has baggage, no matter how long you’ve had to get over and deal with your past. I have noticed that for me… I think I’m past something and then next thing I know it comes back to the surface in one form or another. Then, I have to go deeper and deal with it in a different way and become more aware, etc…

I have this guy that I love so much and although we’ve only been together a little over 2 years, we have been through some STUFF. When stuff first started, I was much better at being understanding and considerate, etc… I still struggled with being clingy and needy, but I was better able to catch it and back up. As time has gone on though, I find I’m not as understanding, that I’m frustrated and codependent/controlling and scared and fearful and I see that I tend to remind him of all his exes (who don’t trust him, who tell him what to do and basically, who does not respect him) and he will say or do things that remind me of my former husband. Things that make he feel like he doesn’t care how I feel, etc…

When I can back up and have some moments of clarity, I KNOW that my reactions are not helping either of us and they are pushing him away. Right now, we still make up, but there are times when issues come back up and the fights happen sooner and they are getting uglier and just all that mess, right?

So, my point in all this is… I love him and he loves me and I know we can build a beautiful life together, but not if we continue to go down this path we seem to be starting. I think… “Surely, there is a better way!”

I learned in Al-Anon that I cannot control others, but I CAN control myself! So, I went on a search for something that might help and I found Laura Doyle! For a year off and on I have been reading her blogs, participating in the FB community and trying haphazardly to practice the “skills” she teaches. I have struggled, because once things get easy and nice again, I forget and slide back into old habits.

Lately, things have been tough and they have lightened up some and gotten better, but I want to practice these skills until they become a part of me. The awesome thing is the VERY FIRST skill that she tells you to practice is self care! What? Seriously! And you must hear what her definition of self care is…

“Focusing time and effort on activities (or non-activities), that make you feel good, IN THE MOMENT”

So, this isn’t about doing things that make you feel good later and you know what else? She says to plan pleasure FIRST, not after you get your chore list done AND, she says that your time seems to expand when you put yourself first! In fact, this is what she says about planning pleasure first!

“The indispensable first step to having a great relationship is to make yourself happy by practicing self-care.”

When you think about it, in relationships we always think the other person should make us happy! When we are single, we say, “Make yourself happy!” When we are in a relationship, we say, “If they aren’t making you happy, you should leave or end it.” When did it become someone else’s job to make us happy?

I’m not saying stay in a miserable, toxic relationship. What I AM saying is that you cannot rely on or expect others to make you happy. Ultimately, that is your/my job to do it for ourselves.

Anyway, one of the first things in her book I’m reading says to:

“Make a list of twenty things that you enjoy doing just because they make you happy. This is not a list of things you feel you¬†should¬†be doing, but things that delight you. The more frivolous the better!”

So… I realize this is already long, but I’m going to post my list of 20 here… IF I can come up with that many!

  1. Reading books that AREN’T self improvement, just fiction for the sake of reading
  2. Watching a girly show, or movie with drama, laughter, tears
  3. Savoring a chocolate bar or sweets/dessert
  4. Holding the new grandson when he’s near… looking at pics and videos of him when he isn’t
  5. Writing and sending an encouraging letter or card to someone else, or even just a catch-up letter
  6. Connecting with my older children, as well as family and friends I haven’t talked to in awhile.
  7. Blogging feels good when I need to vent or I’m excited about something
  8. Drinking a hot cup of coffee with a pastry of some kind
  9. Getting a mani and/or pedi
  10. Getting my hair washed, cut and styled at the beauty salon ( I LOVE when people play with my hair!!!)
  11. Dancing (alone) – but want to practice¬†to get better so I feel more confident to dance in front of others – I also want to do a “sexy” dance routine for my man, so… dancing alone might be a good thing to work this routine up and get confident with it!
  12. Listening to music for whatever mood I might be in
  13. Trying new foods that I don’t NORMALLY order just to do something different
  14. When I’m feeling all domestic, I enjoy cooking
  15. Dreaming and planning for the future, but not when I get too obsessive about it
  16. Sitting outside in the sun or breeze, not doing anything, just sitting… maybe a drink to match the weather
  17. Drinking an alcoholic beverage with a nice dinner, or during a girls night or just because – trying a drink or type of alcohol I’ve never tried before ties in with this. I don’t enjoy getting drunk though…
  18. Having deep, meaningful conversation (hard to do by yourself and nobody seems to have time for it these days – but I DO crave it)!
  19. Naps are fun, even short ones
  20. Go for a walk, just to walk, not to be in a hurry or exercise or any of that, just to be out in nature enjoying the scenery

Other Self Care Ideas

I linked the above url due to that list of 20 was harder than it sounds and I had to google this article to help me with ideas on the last few! Seriously, I asked myself the question on each one, do I enjoy this activity or do I enjoy the results? For instance, I enjoy feeling like I look pretty with my make-up on, my nails done and my hair fixed, but I do not necessarily get excited to paint my nails, fix my make-up or hair… it’s just a means to an end. UNLESS… I am not rushing for work and I have time to just play around and experiment, etc… So, my list of 20 are all things that make me excited when just thinking about doing them, not how I will feel after.

Hey, it’s a start! LD (Laura Doyle) says you should PLAN to do at LEAST 3 fun self-care items/day and that if you are feeling grumpy or dissatisfied, then you should do more! The idea is to fill up your own tank of feel good!

So, what do you all think of this? Anyone familiar with Laura Doyle’s relationship coaching? What do YOU like to do for self care fun? PLEASE… don’t think that her entire teaching is that self-care will make your relationship work, lol! It’s just the starting point to feeling better and being responsible for yourself! We all know things look better and have a more promising outlook when we ourselves are happy and doing things to take care of us!

Feel free to join me in this adventure!
Shanshe

Check This Out!

So, a couple days ago, I came in here and had notifications! WOW! I saw that one blogger had liked my last post and one had followed me. So, I clicked on both and the one that had liked my last post, well… she sucked me in with the title of her page and I could not stop reading! I read AND commented on every single page and blog, LOL! I’m gonna try to link it here…¬†The Darkest Tunnel! Her blog does something to me that I cannot exactly explain. It’s enticing, it draws you in and it almost feels like I am sneaking into the brain of someone I dearly love. I identify with the darkness she describes, but I don’t think I have ever allowed myself to go that deep into my own darkness and it kind of helps me understand the people close to me who do.

I started this a couple days ago,¬† thinking I would blog like normal, but I ran out of time.¬† So,¬† I decided to post this and let y’all go ahead and check out her blog if you don’t already follow it

Me, Myself & I

Me, Myself & I

Click that link up above and listen to the song while you read… well, wait… maybe nobody is reading, and that’s why I chose that song, lol! I know realistically in today’s world, nobody really has the time to sit and read all my rambling thoughts and truly, unless it’s helpful to THEM, why would they?

I’m just not used to processing all my thoughts with absolutely no feedback. It feels awkward, and lonely and uncertain. Like… it proves I really am alone in this world? And, logically, I know that’s not absolutely true, but it just feels that way.

I watched a video yesterday by Mel Robbins (How to Beat Self-Doubt in 5 Seconds) and she talked about how maybe you cannot help how you FEEL, but you DO have a choice on how you ACT. You might feel nervous or not good enough, but you have a choice whether to act nervous or not good enough. It was such a good video with lots of nuggets in it and I should re-watch and take notes. It was about 45 minutes long, but it was worth it, she’s funny and relatable and she switches gears enough that it keeps you engaged and not bored.

I really need to figure out what to do with myself to learn to enjoy my own company, my own thoughts, just being me, by myself… I am not sure how to do that exactly, I am such a social person, or maybe I’m scared of being alone? That’s how people perceive me, as scared of being alone. Am I really? I can do alone if needed, but I don’t prefer it. I’ve been waiting 44 1/2 years to be loved, adored and cherished by another human. Maybe I won’t feel anyone else’s love, adoration or that I’m cherished until I start loving, adoring and cherishing myself? Or maybe… they won’t until I do?

I said a week or so ago in this blog I needed to start exercising… I haven’t really started yet. I need to, it releases feel good endorphins and serotonin in the brain to alleviate depression. Sometimes, I’m confused as to whether it’s depression or hopelessness/helplessness?

Anyway… where do I start? Where I live, it’s actually unsafe to walk much of anywhere outside, but I DO enjoy walking outside. I don’t have WiFi at home, but… I THINK I know where my Leslie Sansone walking DVD is and I have a DVD ROM on my old wore out laptop. I guess it’s time to start going to sleep at a decent hour and getting up at least 15 – 30 minutes earlier and doing that DVD. It’s better than nothing, right?

Didn’t do much on the house last night, not sure what I will get accomplished this evening either, especially since I’m starving and that will be my 1st goal and then, after eating, I will be sleepy… that never fails!

Love to all,
Shanshe

Bubbles, Losing Sight…/Accomplishments

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So, when life throws curve balls you aren’t fully expecting, it’s easy to lose sight of the goal. Sometimes, the curve ball sweeps you up into this wonderful little bubble of bliss, sometimes it hits you square in the face and drags you under the current, but either way… it’s super easy to lose sight of your new goals and the things you are working on within yourself.

When it ends or the intensity dies, you are standing there feeling a bit broken and like you let yourself down, because you sunk right back into the codependent behavior you were working towards leaving. The bubble tempts you to believe things will be rosy forever and the current that swept you under tempts you to believe that things will never be good again and the world as you know it, is ending.

Sometimes, it’s so frustrating, because I just want to relax, let my guard down and be me! The thing is… I don’t know how, because I’m freaking co-dependent and I have to stop and examine my behavior and my motives behind that behavior! It’s completely exhausting!

I’m trying to be true to me, to reign in my codependent behavior and live a happy life! I’m tired, in more ways than one and sometimes I wonder what would happen if I lashed out at others the way they lash out at me? Would they walk away, or would they respect me for finally having a backbone? I don’t want to hurt people, but I get tired of some people saying things JUST to hurt me and cut me down! There are constructive ways of saying what needs said, without purposely trying to hurt others.

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My boyfriend has this issue with his eye and it flared up Wednesday and he was pretty much “blind” if you will. His dad took him to urgent care and he will most likely need surgery at some point. He’s better now, but Thursday, I called in to work, because he needed help fixing meals, etc… because we had one of the kiddos. So, that resulted in me being home Thursday, Friday & Saturday pretty much all day, because the truck is stick shift and I cannot drive it, and I don’t really drive after my wreck on 4-11-18 anyway. (That’s another story.)

So, neither of us have phone service or data at this point and we don’t have wifi at home, sooo… barely any contact with the outside world. I focused on cleaning and organizing and spending time with Mel and the kiddo and I actually got alot done without working constantly. I actually enjoyed it and was worried about the ‘bubble’ I mentioned above being burst as today brought back reality… work, regular schedules and routines, etc…

I hope to continue the 4 things I’m doing around the house in some form or fashion this week and next¬† in order to get the house in better shape and more conducive to relaxing and peace of mind. I have alot more peace and can think better when the house is in better shape.

Talk to you all later,
Shanshe