Can I Go Back??

To the beach, that is… I had fun, but I feel like we didn’t plan it as well as we should have and the reason for that is… (besides money which is ALWAYS an issue), some of it, we just did not know how it would turn out, so we couldn’t really plan for it, ya know?

The majority of our trip was spent in the car…, partly due to money, and partly due to not planning enough or taking the right things to occupy the kiddos. So… I’m trying to let the crummy parts of the trip roll off and just focus on the fun parts and possibly even re-frame some of the crummy parts into a new way of looking at it. I mean, the rental car with deposit and all was about $500. However, we looked online and if we plan the trip at the right time, we could fly round trip for 2 people, along with the hotel for the week AND a rental car while there for a little over $1,000! Plus, if we had rearranged our drive… we would have had more time with all 4 of us (we were picking one kid up) AND… I think Christmas and birthdays will bring US (Mel and I) a Christmas present of portable DVD players or something, lol! Plus, we need beach toys next time and a better more secluded beach so we can find some sea shells! Everything seemed rushed a bit and next time we will plan for more downtime so we can relax and enjoy more.

However… the beach!! Oh my! I LOVED every second there! The sun, the sand, the salt water, the smell! Last beach I saw was Daytona and unless it’s changed, it’s a dump compared to Ft. Walton Beach! I would love to visit different beaches along the coast in the future! That water was clear and green (almost like clear turquoise or mint green) and just absolutely gorgeous!

I noticed a difference in myself. I wasn’t looking around comparing myself to other women, or to see if there were any fat ladies like me, or whatever, I just had fun and I felt somewhat confident! I wasn’t worried that people might be looking at me and judging. My bathing suit looked nice and the only problem was that the bottoms wanted to slide down in the front and the top wanted to slide up, but I just pulled the bottoms up and pulled the top down. It helped that I got to dye my grays before heading down there and I found some cool sunglasses that looked good on me! I took way too many selfies with those sunglasses, lol! I like this new version of me, just being who I am and trying to enjoy the moment!

I still have work to do though! If you look at my body… you would think, ya know, if you just cut the belly off, the rest is ok, it can be exercised, toned, rounded… but the belly. THAT is my nemesis, it’s huge and it gets in my way in practically EVERYTHING! It makes walking hard, it makes intimacy difficult, it makes clothes looking decent near impossible. It makes me look like i have chicken legs. I can’t sit and bend straight over to tie my shoes, I can’t shave the bikini line, I can’t paint my toe nails, I can’t see underneath my stomach… I realize that stress causes cortisone levels to increase and cortisone causes stomach fat. I had ALOT of stress for ALOT of years and I gave up on exercise at times and I gave up on trying to look good and I had people who were supposed to love me tell me that now that my stomach had drooped and had gotten so big that no matter what I did, no matter how much I lost or how much I exercised that I would never get rid of my stomach flab and that it might even hang  lower and that I would NEVER have the money to get a tummy tuck, etc… I had an unexpected pregnancy at 27 and while pregnant, the stomach got huge and I had that droop all of a sudden where the hard pregnant belly was higher and that lower droop was loose and flabby, and then after EACH baby, I would gain 30 pounds in 3 months and I believe now that it was post-partum depression.

ANYWAY… I have decided that if I lose weight that I might still have a stomach and it might be flab, BUT… it will be smaller and easier to maneuver and it will, if nothing else SMOOSH easier! 😉 AND… maybe I will have insurance that will pay for skin removal?? I don’t want to be SKINNY, but I want to be able to move and function and improve my HEALTH and hopefully my life span expectancy! I have alot to live for!

Shanshe

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Vacation!

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I haven’t been to the beach since I was 15 and I am 44. 29 years… HOLY COW! To say I am excited would be an understatement! The fact that I fell and skinned my knees this morning only dampens my excitement a tiny bit. The salt water will burn, but I don’t think I can NOT get in the water after 29 years, right?

It will be me, my boyfriend and his kiddos, so we will be making memories and I look forward to that!

I’m low on time right now though, so I’m gonna close this blog and I don’t think I’ll have time to blog while gone, so here’s to hopefully relaxing and having fun!

Shanshe

The Abyss…

This started out as a fb post… then I realized that it was too good to JUST be on fb and MAYBE…. it doesn’t belong on there at all! Right now,  I’m the only one that sees it!

Here it is…

Intentionally causing emotional, mental or physical pain in another person is NOT making them stronger…

Maybe you should focus on healing your own hurts instead of trying to make their pain equal your own.

Maybe… they left that abyss long ago and their purpose is to shed light on your path, so you can walk out to find health, hope, love, sunshine and healing.

But… you have to take the chance that they aren’t as stupid and inexperienced as you believe them to be. That MAYBE, just maybe, they’ve learned a thing or two about pain, love and healing.

If you keep dragging them down into the abyss, you will watch as all the things you love and admire about them disappear and they just become a shell… a dim glimmer of the light, love and laughter that once attracted you to them.

Then! A funny thing happens, you will find the proof that you’ve been looking for all along, that they are just like everyone else… and that they aren’t who they appeared to be.

Funny how you make your own fears come true!

Because nobody can possibly understand the pain you endure… nobody can remotely relate.

So, you simply dismiss whatever truth they speak into your life.

Rinse and Repeat…

~!~ Happy Independence Day ~!~

July 4th

So, I typically work 1-10 pm and I’m working 7 am-4 pm today! I left work last night at 10, could not sleep most of the night and then got here at 7 am. BUT, I volunteered for it, so that I could have the evening with my honey and maybe get to watch fireworks together! Plus, I don’t have to be back until 1 pm tomorrow AND… it’s time and a half.

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New Topic

So, a week ago today, I was off work for an appointment and both our phones were still out of service (no WiFi at home either) and Mel had to leave after he took me to go help his dad out for a few days. I stayed home because I had to work the next day and I PLANNED on cleaning some and reading my new Kindle book some and back and forth to get stuff accomplished but still have a “me” day.

What Actually Took Place

I read the book for about 45 minutes to an hour and then I was super sleepy and thought, I’d take a nap, get up in a couple of hours and clean. I woke up 3 hours later, feeling kind of drunk, “headachy” and groggy and struggling to wake up. But, I got up, used the bathroom and ate and started reading again. Long story short… I couldn’t stop reading the book, I read ALL 24 chapters that day and got NOTHING cleaned, straightened or organized. Told myself I would get up the next morning and do a bit before work… barely got up in time to get ready for work.

So, typically, I beat myself up for not being productive when I have the chance and I’d be lying if I said that tendency wasn’t begging for attention, even a week later. However, it’s been a REALLY long time since I’ve had very much alone time AT ALL and even longer since I’ve had the time to read a book I wanted to read that I knew I needed the message from, etc… A long time since I actually had permission or even GAVE myself permission to be lazy.

That tendency to beat myself up for it is stronger since I haven’t had much time at all to do anything productive since then and we are trying to get ready to go out of town and I’m thinking of all the stuff I should’ve had done already and the laundry we will need clean and how the house would be more welcome to come home to if it were cleaner and more organized, etc… etc… etc…

Maybe I will always struggle with this issue, but I know that I need some down time, some fun time, some ME time and even if things do not get done (they aren’t done anyway, ya know), I might as well TAKE that time that I need. I will be happier and happier equals less grouchy and less tired and less needy, whiny and clingy, and MAYBE… just a tad more confident??

I only slept maybe a solid hour last night and was only “down” for sleep about 2.5 to 3 hours, so I can FEEL my tiredness affecting me and my emotions. I get off at 4 pm and I WANT to spend some fun time with Mel, but I am worried that without a little bit of sleep, it won’t work out well. He is getting some sleep while I am work, so that will help his mood… Hopefully, we can move the plans out a couple hours, while I take a nap? We don’t have anything set in stone anyway.

I’m gonna sign off here for now… I just ate chips for lunch and I’m even more tired. I know it’s not healthy, just low on money and didn’t have much of anything to grab and bring with.

Have a Happy 4th ya’ll!
Shanshe

Self Care

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So, every relationship has it’s up’s and down’s, right? I am finding that in this day and age, EVERYONE has baggage, no matter how long you’ve had to get over and deal with your past. I have noticed that for me… I think I’m past something and then next thing I know it comes back to the surface in one form or another. Then, I have to go deeper and deal with it in a different way and become more aware, etc…

I have this guy that I love so much and although we’ve only been together a little over 2 years, we have been through some STUFF. When stuff first started, I was much better at being understanding and considerate, etc… I still struggled with being clingy and needy, but I was better able to catch it and back up. As time has gone on though, I find I’m not as understanding, that I’m frustrated and codependent/controlling and scared and fearful and I see that I tend to remind him of all his exes (who don’t trust him, who tell him what to do and basically, who does not respect him) and he will say or do things that remind me of my former husband. Things that make he feel like he doesn’t care how I feel, etc…

When I can back up and have some moments of clarity, I KNOW that my reactions are not helping either of us and they are pushing him away. Right now, we still make up, but there are times when issues come back up and the fights happen sooner and they are getting uglier and just all that mess, right?

So, my point in all this is… I love him and he loves me and I know we can build a beautiful life together, but not if we continue to go down this path we seem to be starting. I think… “Surely, there is a better way!”

I learned in Al-Anon that I cannot control others, but I CAN control myself! So, I went on a search for something that might help and I found Laura Doyle! For a year off and on I have been reading her blogs, participating in the FB community and trying haphazardly to practice the “skills” she teaches. I have struggled, because once things get easy and nice again, I forget and slide back into old habits.

Lately, things have been tough and they have lightened up some and gotten better, but I want to practice these skills until they become a part of me. The awesome thing is the VERY FIRST skill that she tells you to practice is self care! What? Seriously! And you must hear what her definition of self care is…

“Focusing time and effort on activities (or non-activities), that make you feel good, IN THE MOMENT”

So, this isn’t about doing things that make you feel good later and you know what else? She says to plan pleasure FIRST, not after you get your chore list done AND, she says that your time seems to expand when you put yourself first! In fact, this is what she says about planning pleasure first!

“The indispensable first step to having a great relationship is to make yourself happy by practicing self-care.”

When you think about it, in relationships we always think the other person should make us happy! When we are single, we say, “Make yourself happy!” When we are in a relationship, we say, “If they aren’t making you happy, you should leave or end it.” When did it become someone else’s job to make us happy?

I’m not saying stay in a miserable, toxic relationship. What I AM saying is that you cannot rely on or expect others to make you happy. Ultimately, that is your/my job to do it for ourselves.

Anyway, one of the first things in her book I’m reading says to:

“Make a list of twenty things that you enjoy doing just because they make you happy. This is not a list of things you feel you should be doing, but things that delight you. The more frivolous the better!”

So… I realize this is already long, but I’m going to post my list of 20 here… IF I can come up with that many!

  1. Reading books that AREN’T self improvement, just fiction for the sake of reading
  2. Watching a girly show, or movie with drama, laughter, tears
  3. Savoring a chocolate bar or sweets/dessert
  4. Holding the new grandson when he’s near… looking at pics and videos of him when he isn’t
  5. Writing and sending an encouraging letter or card to someone else, or even just a catch-up letter
  6. Connecting with my older children, as well as family and friends I haven’t talked to in awhile.
  7. Blogging feels good when I need to vent or I’m excited about something
  8. Drinking a hot cup of coffee with a pastry of some kind
  9. Getting a mani and/or pedi
  10. Getting my hair washed, cut and styled at the beauty salon ( I LOVE when people play with my hair!!!)
  11. Dancing (alone) – but want to practice to get better so I feel more confident to dance in front of others – I also want to do a “sexy” dance routine for my man, so… dancing alone might be a good thing to work this routine up and get confident with it!
  12. Listening to music for whatever mood I might be in
  13. Trying new foods that I don’t NORMALLY order just to do something different
  14. When I’m feeling all domestic, I enjoy cooking
  15. Dreaming and planning for the future, but not when I get too obsessive about it
  16. Sitting outside in the sun or breeze, not doing anything, just sitting… maybe a drink to match the weather
  17. Drinking an alcoholic beverage with a nice dinner, or during a girls night or just because – trying a drink or type of alcohol I’ve never tried before ties in with this. I don’t enjoy getting drunk though…
  18. Having deep, meaningful conversation (hard to do by yourself and nobody seems to have time for it these days – but I DO crave it)!
  19. Naps are fun, even short ones
  20. Go for a walk, just to walk, not to be in a hurry or exercise or any of that, just to be out in nature enjoying the scenery

Other Self Care Ideas

I linked the above url due to that list of 20 was harder than it sounds and I had to google this article to help me with ideas on the last few! Seriously, I asked myself the question on each one, do I enjoy this activity or do I enjoy the results? For instance, I enjoy feeling like I look pretty with my make-up on, my nails done and my hair fixed, but I do not necessarily get excited to paint my nails, fix my make-up or hair… it’s just a means to an end. UNLESS… I am not rushing for work and I have time to just play around and experiment, etc… So, my list of 20 are all things that make me excited when just thinking about doing them, not how I will feel after.

Hey, it’s a start! LD (Laura Doyle) says you should PLAN to do at LEAST 3 fun self-care items/day and that if you are feeling grumpy or dissatisfied, then you should do more! The idea is to fill up your own tank of feel good!

So, what do you all think of this? Anyone familiar with Laura Doyle’s relationship coaching? What do YOU like to do for self care fun? PLEASE… don’t think that her entire teaching is that self-care will make your relationship work, lol! It’s just the starting point to feeling better and being responsible for yourself! We all know things look better and have a more promising outlook when we ourselves are happy and doing things to take care of us!

Feel free to join me in this adventure!
Shanshe

Check This Out!

So, a couple days ago, I came in here and had notifications! WOW! I saw that one blogger had liked my last post and one had followed me. So, I clicked on both and the one that had liked my last post, well… she sucked me in with the title of her page and I could not stop reading! I read AND commented on every single page and blog, LOL! I’m gonna try to link it here… The Darkest Tunnel! Her blog does something to me that I cannot exactly explain. It’s enticing, it draws you in and it almost feels like I am sneaking into the brain of someone I dearly love. I identify with the darkness she describes, but I don’t think I have ever allowed myself to go that deep into my own darkness and it kind of helps me understand the people close to me who do.

I started this a couple days ago,  thinking I would blog like normal, but I ran out of time.  So,  I decided to post this and let y’all go ahead and check out her blog if you don’t already follow it

Me, Myself & I

Me, Myself & I

Click that link up above and listen to the song while you read… well, wait… maybe nobody is reading, and that’s why I chose that song, lol! I know realistically in today’s world, nobody really has the time to sit and read all my rambling thoughts and truly, unless it’s helpful to THEM, why would they?

I’m just not used to processing all my thoughts with absolutely no feedback. It feels awkward, and lonely and uncertain. Like… it proves I really am alone in this world? And, logically, I know that’s not absolutely true, but it just feels that way.

I watched a video yesterday by Mel Robbins (How to Beat Self-Doubt in 5 Seconds) and she talked about how maybe you cannot help how you FEEL, but you DO have a choice on how you ACT. You might feel nervous or not good enough, but you have a choice whether to act nervous or not good enough. It was such a good video with lots of nuggets in it and I should re-watch and take notes. It was about 45 minutes long, but it was worth it, she’s funny and relatable and she switches gears enough that it keeps you engaged and not bored.

I really need to figure out what to do with myself to learn to enjoy my own company, my own thoughts, just being me, by myself… I am not sure how to do that exactly, I am such a social person, or maybe I’m scared of being alone? That’s how people perceive me, as scared of being alone. Am I really? I can do alone if needed, but I don’t prefer it. I’ve been waiting 44 1/2 years to be loved, adored and cherished by another human. Maybe I won’t feel anyone else’s love, adoration or that I’m cherished until I start loving, adoring and cherishing myself? Or maybe… they won’t until I do?

I said a week or so ago in this blog I needed to start exercising… I haven’t really started yet. I need to, it releases feel good endorphins and serotonin in the brain to alleviate depression. Sometimes, I’m confused as to whether it’s depression or hopelessness/helplessness?

Anyway… where do I start? Where I live, it’s actually unsafe to walk much of anywhere outside, but I DO enjoy walking outside. I don’t have WiFi at home, but… I THINK I know where my Leslie Sansone walking DVD is and I have a DVD ROM on my old wore out laptop. I guess it’s time to start going to sleep at a decent hour and getting up at least 15 – 30 minutes earlier and doing that DVD. It’s better than nothing, right?

Didn’t do much on the house last night, not sure what I will get accomplished this evening either, especially since I’m starving and that will be my 1st goal and then, after eating, I will be sleepy… that never fails!

Love to all,
Shanshe

Bubbles, Losing Sight…/Accomplishments

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So, when life throws curve balls you aren’t fully expecting, it’s easy to lose sight of the goal. Sometimes, the curve ball sweeps you up into this wonderful little bubble of bliss, sometimes it hits you square in the face and drags you under the current, but either way… it’s super easy to lose sight of your new goals and the things you are working on within yourself.

When it ends or the intensity dies, you are standing there feeling a bit broken and like you let yourself down, because you sunk right back into the codependent behavior you were working towards leaving. The bubble tempts you to believe things will be rosy forever and the current that swept you under tempts you to believe that things will never be good again and the world as you know it, is ending.

Sometimes, it’s so frustrating, because I just want to relax, let my guard down and be me! The thing is… I don’t know how, because I’m freaking co-dependent and I have to stop and examine my behavior and my motives behind that behavior! It’s completely exhausting!

I’m trying to be true to me, to reign in my codependent behavior and live a happy life! I’m tired, in more ways than one and sometimes I wonder what would happen if I lashed out at others the way they lash out at me? Would they walk away, or would they respect me for finally having a backbone? I don’t want to hurt people, but I get tired of some people saying things JUST to hurt me and cut me down! There are constructive ways of saying what needs said, without purposely trying to hurt others.

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My boyfriend has this issue with his eye and it flared up Wednesday and he was pretty much “blind” if you will. His dad took him to urgent care and he will most likely need surgery at some point. He’s better now, but Thursday, I called in to work, because he needed help fixing meals, etc… because we had one of the kiddos. So, that resulted in me being home Thursday, Friday & Saturday pretty much all day, because the truck is stick shift and I cannot drive it, and I don’t really drive after my wreck on 4-11-18 anyway. (That’s another story.)

So, neither of us have phone service or data at this point and we don’t have wifi at home, sooo… barely any contact with the outside world. I focused on cleaning and organizing and spending time with Mel and the kiddo and I actually got alot done without working constantly. I actually enjoyed it and was worried about the ‘bubble’ I mentioned above being burst as today brought back reality… work, regular schedules and routines, etc…

I hope to continue the 4 things I’m doing around the house in some form or fashion this week and next  in order to get the house in better shape and more conducive to relaxing and peace of mind. I have alot more peace and can think better when the house is in better shape.

Talk to you all later,
Shanshe

I Don’t Have A Clue What To Title This…

Question Marks Over Man Showing Confusion And Uncertainty

So many thoughts that tumble through my head… I probably shouldn’t post so many blogs, but who else has time for this mess inside my head besides a blog where nobody really has to “listen” if they don’t have time or don’t want to! I have a point, right?

I honest to goodness think I am simply bored… and frustrated. Frustrated from working and working and working and not getting ahead and in fact, feeling like I am falling farther and farther behind and deeper in the hole.

I actually applied for an in house interim position. It was with K12 Enrollment, I was actually hired in to do that job last May 1st. But they only use my company during summer rush for enrollment. So, when that ended in October, I was furloughed and then called back in a week and a half later for tech support help-desk. I truly enjoyed working K12, the calls were back to back to back, whether you were receiving or making them and that was sometimes crazy, but you were encouraged to actually create a relationship with the person you spoke with and it was just a whole different ballgame. I enjoyed talking to all these people! There were a FEW tech calls when helping them with the application. The only thing I did not like is that once they had submitted the application, then our job was done and they were sent to admissions and I never got to talk to them again! 🙂 Some calls were hours long even, but I felt so much more satisfaction from that job. The position I applied for though was a quality reviewer. I would be “grading” calls if you will. When I sent the email with my resume and letter of recommendation, I stated, “I look forward to meeting with you for an interview.” Then, last night, about a week later, I got the email that said, “Thank you for your interest in the K12 Interim QA position. I am writing you to let you know we have selected alternate candidates whom we believe most closely matches the job requirements of the position. We appreciate you taking the time to apply and encourage you to apply for openings in the future.” I replied with, ” “Thank you for letting me know, Could you provide feedback that would make me a better candidate in the future?” I haven’t heard back yet and I don’t expect to, really.

I didn’t really expect to get it, but I thought maybe it would help with the current dissatisfaction I’m experiencing right now with my job. Like I said in my last blog, I just don’t have it in me to kiss ass anymore. I am who I am, like it or lump it. I’ve spent too many years trying to be someone else’s cup of tea and it’s too exhausting.

I’m tired of whining though and part of this “mood” I believe is because it’s THAT time of month and I’m all emotional, whiny and needy. I just want to be held, loved, soothed, rubbed, kissed and ravished, lol! I realize the last word may not fit fully with the others, but it is what it is. I know you aren’t supposed to NEED it, or look for it, but I want to be told how important I am and how loved I am and how someone CAN live without me, but how they really don’t want to. I want all the things I give others and I don’t know how to give that to myself. I mean… I kinda CAN’T live without me, ya know??

I did have a weekend coming up that I was looking forward to that was gonna just be Mel and I, but that kind of got squashed with more important things, neither of our faults, just is. We plan to leave for FL on the 9th of July, and I DO look forward to it, but we will have kids and I love that and I love the memories we get to make with them. BUT… the stress of making sure everything falls into place for the trip to be possible and no “down” time to be had while on the trip makes it more stressful in my mind. The kids never want to just stop and enjoy, it’s go, go, go and more, more, more, never enough and well, it’s just kids, nothing wrong with it… but you know what I mean, right?

I don’t like feeling this way, unsettled, unsure… bored, stressed, frustrated, no peace.

I did however find a song that I hadn’t heard before. I want to download it to my phone and make it my new theme song, lol. Here’s a link to it: Queen. Trust me, you will love it, haha!

I’m done trying to blog today… I just feel like I am going in circles and not accomplishing anything with my whining. I AM painting my nails red right now though. Problem is I get it smudged on the edges outside my fingernails, but it will look better tomorrow, lol! I need Q tips and polish remover, haha!

Later,
Shanshe

 

My Job Depresses Me…

I can’t explain why exactly. I have great co-workers, at least the ones I sit by and associate with. I just do not LIKE the job. It’s taking calls for different schools and giving tech support. I’m not a techy person and while I LOVE teaching, I love teaching things with meaning. I don’t love trying to talk people who do not even know what a browser is into finding out what one they are using is or telling them how to download and use a program when they do not even know to how to completely check their email.

Not every day is absolutely horrible, but honestly, it’s just not a job with very much meaning to me. Sure, I’m helping someone login and get their homework submitted or whatever, it’s just not enough for me. But, I don’t know what else I want to do either and we need the money. Plus, it just feels like I have WAYYY more important things to do than this. Even staying at home and cleaning/decluttering or spending time with loved ones seems more important to me. This is JUST for the money. Plus, when you say, I work 40 hours a week, it doesn’t seem to hold water when you just sit there on the phone.

There is opportunity for moving up the ladder here, but I’m not interested. For one, I don’t have it in me to kiss ass, and be fake. It’s just not me. I don’t have time to be anything less than real. That almost sounds like I am insulting others and I’m not… they do what they can live with.

Working the business with Mel makes me feel good, it’s hard work and it’s for our future and it’s not working for someone else. I enjoy helping others pursue their dreams, but some moments, it feels like I’m not really a part of it if that makes sense. Like it’s mine too, but not really. I’m NOT saying that’s how it really is, we all know that emotions and feelings are not always reality.

When I am at work, I feel like I am missing out. I go to work, I go home, I clean a little, eat something perhaps, maybe watch a little TV, go to bed, get up, and it’s the same thing. Money is tight, gas it tight, so we have to plan every little trip and it’s usually not feasible to try to go anywhere before work,because we wouldn’t get it done in time and he’d have to go back to finish it,  so we wait until he drops me at work and then Mel goes and does it all in one trip. I truly appreciate him so much for doing that, and helping us get our stuff done. I guess I’m bored?

When I am bored, I think that makes the codependency worse, because I hyper focus on stupid stuff that doesn’t matter at all. I feel unimportant…

Maybe right at this moment, I am feeling a little sorry for myself, because I feel like honestly and truly nobody is interested in anything I have to say and if they are, they don’t have time for it. I feel alone in a world full of people.

Saturday, I thanked Mel’s sister because even when she had not known me very long, she could see past all the stuff on the outside and see that there was more depth than met the eye, more intelligence than maybe even what I portrayed, etc… I feel so stupid and unheard and ignored and taken for granted and simply just NOT SEEN. Like, I am standing right there with so much to offer and they can’t see me or what I have to offer because they are too busy looking for something better.

I know we aren’t supposed to live for others and we are supposed to be able to see our own value even when others don’t, etc… but sometimes I wonder if anyone is ever gonna see the value in me. If anyone is ever gonna sit and look at me in wonderment and think, “gosh… I just love her so much!”

Anyway, enough blubbering and whining. Time to go home.

Shanshe