Shanshe's Ramblings

Grandma Pickle… This was what we called my Grandmother. For several years, she was just Grandma and sometimes to differentiate, I would say Grandma Popplewell to explain who I was talking about.

One day along came my little brother Steven and as he got old enough to talk and would be silly or mischievous, she would call him a little pickle and then one day, he said, “Well, you’re a Grandma Pickle!”

It stuck and many many grandkids and great-grandkids and even the great-greats called her Grandma Pickle! People who are close to the family, but not IN the family, call her Grandma Pickle too!

Unfortunately, Grandma Pickle died on October 1st, 2022. She will always live on in our memories and in each of us whom she touched with her life.

I have some awesome memories with her from the time I was young until adulthood and into my 40’s. However, in 2016, I borrowed some money from my grandmother and then struggled to get her paid back and to this day, I still owed her about $180-ish. I always planned on and wanted to get her paid back before she was gone, but I didn’t. I’m not going to explain why, or defend myself, it just did not get done.

The money I owed her became a really big deal and she was angry with me over more than just that. You see, I had lost my husband of 23.5 years in late 2014 and I met someone new in early 2016. I fell head over heels and I was behaving in a way that my family did not recognize. I felt the same inside, but looking back, I am sure it was bewildering. Anyway, we were talking one day and she got really angry with me and said some really hurtful things to me and criticized me as a mother. She even accused me of trying to take advantage of her and steal from her. That probably hurt the most, she was in her right mind and I would NEVER try to take advantage of her!

It hurt me pretty bad, because I thought she was the one person who truly understood my loneliness and that I was finally happy. She usually would allow me to explain my side of things and we would usually come to some kind of understanding. However, the gossip amongst the family had run rampant and she already had her mind made up!

Back then, it did not occur to me that she felt hurt and abandoned by ME, because I had moved 45 minutes away and got a different job and it made it much harder for me to be able to take her to the doctor, etc.. Not to mention, when I started dating Mel, many times I was out of town or had plans.

I guess I became a little self absorbed when I found someone new, who loved me just like I was and made me feel wanted and that probably hurt her feelings that I was not making time for her like before.

We always had so much fun on those trips to the doctor, grocery and Mighty Dollar and I plan to share some of those memories in a later blog.

Anyway, along with all that hurt, I also felt guilty. There was a part of me, that knew something wasn’t right, and I felt like the same person, but I was so happy with Mel! I felt alive and seen and heard and desired/wanted. I did not remember feeling that way, EVER. I thought people would be happy for me and I couldn’t understand why they weren’t being more patient with me. I knew everything I was doing was not the best decisions at the time, but at the same time, I was in new territory, a place I had never been before.

Apparently, those things are not taken into consideration when you are in your early 40’s. You are expected to know better, no matter how much LIFE you have actually experienced or not.

So… I withdrew, not only from Grandma, but kind of from everyone. I tried not to withdraw from my kids, but that eventually happened as well, but that is a totally different story. I do not know if I can EVER blog about that publicly.

The point is, because I was hurt and because I felt she was angry with me, I kept my distance. I no longer called her to chat and catch up on life, there were times in my life, we talked for hours upon hours and simply enjoyed each other’s company!

That was 2017 and I saw her maybe a handful of times since then. Would say hello and give hugs, but I also felt estranged, so was not fully myself with her and she wasn’t with me either! I assumed she preferred things that way, and because I was dealing with so much discomfort in other areas and dealing with people being disappointed in me I could not force myself to talk to her about it and work it out. I feared being judged and rejected still.

Did I realize what I was doing until this last week after she died? Nope… I didn’t. Do, I feel guilty that I let that go on so long and not take the time to apologize and enjoy a relationship with her these last 5 years? Yes, I do… I am shocked it was that long ago!

Am I going to continue to beat myself up over it or am I going to forgive myself? Will I take this and learn from it and apply to other situations?

I think Grandma Pickle would WANT me to forgive myself, learn from this by applying what I now understand to making relationships with people who are still alive better. She would WANT me to FOCUS on the good memories we had with each other…. BECAUSE, we have way more years of GOOD relationship and good memories together and it should outweigh the last 5 years! (She would also edit the crap out of this blog and tell me stop using run-on sentences, lol)

I plan to do a few more blogs on different memories I have of Grandma Pickle, to honor her memory but I want to leave you with a snippet of a really funny one, or… at least it was funny to the two of us!

So, this was 2015 or 2016, when I took her to the ENT to have her hearing checked. This was one doctor she had not been to recently or maybe ever and we had to fill out the paperwork. She was not able to see the paper in the dimly lit waiting room and so I was filling it out for her. She had her head leaned over on her fist and was all ho-hum and unimpressed, but answering my questions. Then we got to the other questions outside of name, DOB and address and I just looked at her and matter-of -factly, said, “Are you pregnant?”

Well, she got tickled and started laughing and said, “yeah, right!” We then proceeded through the rest of the questionnaire giggling like little girls and at times struggling to catch our breath while giving nonsense answers to questions to each other, but putting down the correct answers. I think she had erectile dysfunction that day too!

People gave us funny looks, but we did not care, we laughed so hard our sides hurt and our bladders beckoned us to the bathroom and it took us WAYyyy longer to fill out those papers but we both agreed we did not care what others thought or how long it took! WE had fun with it and that is all that mattered!

Come back for more blogs on the fun and sweet memories I have of her. I am so grateful I was able to find rides to and from her funeral, because the memories flooded back… I did not realize I was holding them at bay because I was scared to talk to her and make things right.

Young or old, we never know when someone is leaving this earth and while harsh words between two people might need some distance or breathing room, it NEVER needs more than a week and even then, it could be too long. Agree to disagree if you have to, but ALWAYS let the people you love know you love them.

This quote by Aretha Franklin sums this up well…

“You cannot define a person on just one thing. You can’t just forget all these wonderful and good things that a person has done because one thing didn’t come off the way you thought it should come off.”

That not only goes for my Grandma Pickle, it goes for ME and YOU and everyone else too. We have to take people as a whole, nobody is ALL good and nobody is ALL evil.

Until next time…

Love to all,
Shanshe

If you have read very many of my blogs, you see there is a theme of discontent, especially with the way I earn money. I feel stuck in jobs, finances are always an issue, etc… so it may come as no surprise that I am always looking for a way out. A way out of the financial crunch, a way out of the job that sucks my soul dry, etc… I have known for a long time that becoming an entrepreneur or owning my own business was my ticket out, but it’s scary, it’s hard and I am finding the hardest part is having the necessary mindset for it!

I have tried direct sales, working more than one job, working lots of overtime, my fiancé and I have tried food vending, which is probably the best thus far at bringing in money, but when you start in lack, you do not have the resources needed to to go all in and take the hit until you start earning enough money to put you into the black and not only that, you have to use what money you do earn to pay yourself back for going in the hole to begin with and then hopefully have enough to pay a bill or two. Plus, sales are never a given, so you cannot count on the income to just be there.

I believe in my last blog or the one before, I mentioned I had lost my job. Well, at 48, I am TIRED of working for others, being a robot and being stuck in a specific location AT work and even AT home. While I AM searching for a job, because we HAVE to pay bills, I also invested in a new thing. This one will be more profitable because I plan to see it through and work it until it IS profitable. I am building on online course. The instructor, Molly, teaches us, one small step at a time, gives us homework, support, an online community to partner with and is there if we need questions answered, or get stuck. I know her method works, because she is a multi-millionaire! Each week, I see new students added to the member group! When I started, there was 415 group members and now there are 463! She has added almost 50 people in less than 6 weeks! Not only is that people, that is MONEY! If you would like to sign up for her free webinar and see if this is something you might want to do YOURSELF, as I know many of you out there are looking to share your knowledge and passion with others. Please click on my affiliate link to her course here… Profitable Courses by Molly Keyser to attend a free LIVE webinar with Molly herself!

The thing is, nothing you ever do is easy, not anything WORTH doing anyway. I thought I had come a long way and then I started this process and oh my! The emotions it pulled out, the self doubt and negativity, etc… But, I am not giving up! I am working on my mindset AND working on this course. I am taking emotion out and doing the tasks Molly has laid out and doing my best to keep emotion out of it! It is not easy, but I am surrounding myself with positive AFFIRMATIONS and I post them on my wall and read them and I am surrounding myself with people who are positive and try to catch negative thoughts and challenge them. Some days are better than others, of course, but each day, I keep showing up for myself! I AM creating the life of my dreams, remembering that the way we talk to ourselves determines our success and celebrating the wins along the way.

The job thing? Yeah, I’m looking, yes I am following up, is it or will it always be my future? No, it is just a job, a necessary means to further my goal at this point. I’m going to get to work, but let me leave you with this from the affirmations Molly gave us…

I CREATE MY OWN LUCK
I CREATE MY OWN STORY
I CREATE MY OWN PROFITS
I CREATE MY OWN FREEDOM

Thanks for reading, I always look forward to feedback and see you soon!
Shanshe

I am not sure what I am going to end up writing or if it will flow or make sense… I just know since I posted my last blog, I have felt the need to blog some more and I have procrastinated doing so, because I keep thinking I need to do other, more important things, like work my temp job (only a couple of weeks) or work on the house and laundry or apply for more jobs, etc… I was not sure what to title this, but was listening to a cover of the Cranberries Zombie and right as I was finishing the “etc…” above, the chorus was singing “In Your Head” over and over in my headphones and it seemed fitting. If you blog, do you ever use a song or something you are listening as a title your blog?

I have fibromyalgia and today I woke up feeling like someone beat the hell out of me… EVERYWHERE and it feels like it has spread and increased throughout the day. I have been ill-tempered, sad, depressed, intensely sleepy, guilty because brain fog was keeping me distracted on everything I tried to accomplish today, emotional, teary and uncomfortable, laying hurts, sitting hurts, standing hurts. I can barely lift my arms. You know when you get a shot in your upper arm and sometimes it makes your arm ache and feel heavy, now multiply that by 20 and put it in both arms, only… I did not get a shot.

In my last blog, I mentioned how hellish our life has felt since August, I was talking to a friend on Facebook this evening on messenger and I explained to her it feels like we get knocked down and so we are laying there on the floor or ground, waiting for the debris to stop flying around and just when we think it’s safe, we start to get up and something comes along and knocks us back down. Like, at first, we could get all the way to standing, then it’s like each thing that came along chopped us down further and further and each time as we try to get back up, we don’t get as far off the ground before it comes at us again. At times, it feels like all we’ve done is raise our head to look around and see if it’s safe to get back up and BAM! We are eating dirt again!

Now, I know you are thinking, just be positive, look around and see all the things you have to be grateful for. I get that, I have tried that method. I know what you focus on increases and I have tried so many different things to fight our way out of this mess. For one, I was applying for jobs, before I even had an inkling I was losing my job! You can ask my sister in law, she helped me with my resume a few months back. I even dedicated a specific email to use for job related applications, etc… I also did things like encourage Mel to go to the doctor and get himself checked out because his health was seeming worse.

I have tried so many different things with the kids it’s not even funny. I’ve tried incentives, trying to do things as a team, routines, bonding and building rapport, setting up chores, (15 min chores) and still… nothing is good enough, they flat out refuse, among other things and honestly, while they are a source of some of the stress, I really do not want to go into detail on the issues with them… I did that too much with my older bio kids and I feel like it damaged our relationship and caused trust issues. I did not realize what I was doing at the time, unfortunately. It is also hard with all this stress going on to be patient and loving and kind when they are going on as if we have all the money and good health in the world and can’t seem to see, know or understand, we are struggling to keep our head above the water and they act like we are their servants and ATM. They are all old enough to be more observant, empathetic and understanding and they just aren’t. Even when you point things out, it’s like they just don’t care! Yes, there is more to the story of why they are like this, but again, not getting into that.

Anyway, in the midst of all this craziness, when I lost my job, it felt like an opportunity to move towards something bigger and better and I thought I could do it faster… like within a month. I am tired of being chained to a desk working for someone else and having to ask permission to go to the restroom and just being someone else’s robot! I felt/feel like I have more to offer the world and that I should get paid better too! However, here we are a month and a half later and I’m still at the beginning stages. I was not prepared for the emotions that would come up and the self doubt and the whole not thinking I was worthy to succeed, like I had to go through more than I’ve already been through to contribute to the world?

Along with this came that all too familiar wanting others approval and validation and belief in me. Which, we all know is ridiculous… why would anyone else think I had something to offer the world and believe in me when I am struggling to find it and believe it myself? If I believe it then I’m not going to care if others believe it or not am I?

Plus, trying to apply for jobs and do follow up and complete assessments and all that. Oh, did I mention that two weeks after I lost my job, our vehicle tore up and of course that got blamed on us as if we are children and do not know how to take care of a vehicle. I mean, why can’t anyone ever say, man this sucks, I am really sorry? Instead they want to diagnose the issue and identify you as the moron who caused it. I mean, how many times have YOU done something or didn’t do something and it caused something bad to happen? Did you desperately NEED someone to tell you it was your fault and make you feel bad about it? Of course not, you already knew, you just needed their moral support more than anything, right?

Now, I logically know that I am not behaving the best in the world either, with my sharp tongue, and ill temper, but it’s like, I did not realize the medication I can no longer afford was actually helping until I no longer have it? Someone stopped by my house today and I snapped and behaved badly when one of the kids triggered me and they said something about it. Feelings were hurt, but apologies were given all around and they left on a good note… but sitting there trying to explain the frustration I was feeling felt futile. They did not fully grasp the situation, and I looked at Mel sitting there supporting me and I realized that yes people love us and are there for us, but it’s like we are stuck in this black hole that nobody can fully see and recognize. So, when others have to the time to step into our world for a minute, all they see is two adults or at least one adult, because Mel is better at appearing ok than me who is going off the deep end over something that seems minor, and it appears we are over-reacting, but they don’t know the hell and attitudes we’ve endured for however many days when they weren’t around to see or experience it and so when we snap at the kids, WE are the problem. Comments from certain individuals would lead me to believe they think we should just allow them to walk all over us and be disrespectful and just be ok with it.

And I love comments and feedback, but if all you are going to do is say that is just how kids are these days… DON’T. Please. Just because a majority of kids act a certain way does not mean it is ok, or acceptable.

We have no way to get a break, we have tried and tried, when we had a vehicle, there was nowhere to leave the kids. Even though they are old enough to stay alone for a bit, they argue and fuss and physically fight, so we can’t do that very often at all, or there is nobody to keep them very long or if they do we are rushed to get back.

Yes, we have checked into counseling and yes we are trying it, but telehealth is crazy for counseling, or the therapist dies or leaves the practice or something, there’s waiting lists for places that diagnose and give you tools to cope better with certain things.

And know that some of the most stressful things… I won’t even tell you about. I know I am rambling here, but I guess I got a lot out. I am not asking anyone to do anything for me. I am not asking you to give me money or a job or diagnose and treat or even give advice… I just needed to get this out the best way I could because it’s all circling “in my head” and it makes me feel like a zombie sometimes. Especially when my legs and arms feel like lead weights.

Zombie – The Cranberries (Jennel Garcia ft. Alex Goot piano acoustic cover)

I’m going to stop here, and HOPE that the next blog will make more sense, be more cohesive and sound more sane.

Lotsa love,
Shanshe

Life is always crazy, has ups and down, mountains and valleys… but sometimes, it seems like life gets stuck in a perpetual state of chaos, confusion, stress, and frustration. You know, when stress levels are high and and bad news follows bad news follows bad news and it doesn’t stop? It reminds me of an old Merle Haggard song I heard as child, where the chorus sings,

_{“Is the best of the free life behind us now?
And are the good times really over for good?
Are we rollin’ down hill like a snowball headed for hell?}

When I was a child, I loved that song because I could sing “hell” and not get in trouble, haha! I really had no clue what it meant then, and in reality, I think the song was talking about the state of the world and how things were not as good as they used to be. However, when you think about it, when you make a snowball and then “roll” it in the snow, it gets bigger, that’s how you make a snow man, so here’s this snowball rolling down the hill getting bigger and bigger as it goes (bad news follows bad news) and then what happens when and if the snowball ever hits the bottom of that hill? One would imagine it’s going to explode into a big pile of snow, like a snow explosion! So, that analogy works for the actual meaning of the song as well as how my life has felt since early August 2021.

One can look at one major change that happened at that time and think I was blaming the state of life on that ONE change, but they would be wrong. It was that change that came with a new set of circumstances and chaos, followed by another change not so obvious to the naked eye that added to the chaos and then that chaos got rolled around in another chaos and got bigger and then it attracted more chaos that stuck and more chaos that stuck, to the point that here we are 9 months later and we have given birth to a situation that seems insurmountable. No matter how we’ve tried to stop it, or take it apart, analyze it and fix it, more chaos piles in. The stress is unbelievable, we (my fiancé and I) are exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. We are BOTH dealing with health issues that are exacerbated by a high stress situation that feels like there is no way out, no relief from, no breaks, no peace, no harmony. We feel isolated and alone and misunderstood and taken for granted and like we are used and abused treated like servants and an ATM. The only thing we THINK can fix any of it is money but we are stuck. We know it can and should change and things should not be this hard, but we feel powerless to change it as all our efforts bear no fruit. It all seems futile. I do not know how he is feeling, but my fiancé is my only source of peace, and security in this whole situation and often, I am scared of losing him and losing what little bit of peace and security I do have.

We both know things can and should change, but at this point we can’t seem to find a way to change it. We both struggle against the wind each day, trying to make things better. In the midst of it all, I lost my job on April 15th and about 2 weeks later, our only vehicle that we had JUST paid off and lowered ins from full coverage to liability, tore up on us. So now, not only are we fighting to survive mentally and emotionally each day, but we are also LITERALLY stuck. He thinks money will solve a lot of our issues. My honey also has several health issues going on that he is battling and it keeps him from being able to do the “normal” job, so he obsesses and tries to find ways to make money online.

I also try to find ways to make money online, while also filling out applications and submitting resumes and then I also have the curse of knowing that a clean uncluttered house helps everyone feel more peaceful and so I try to hard to get it that way and then I hate myself and everyone else in the house hates me too for being a nag and staying on everyone about maintaining what is done while getting more areas of the house clean and organized. It’s overwhelming, because it SEEMS like nobody else in the house cares or appreciates this… so I feel alone sometimes in this endeavor and sometimes I feel resentful about it. But I try to remind myself that I cannot make others feel the same way I do, even though I KNOW they too are calmer and operate better in a clean uncluttered space.

There’s just ALOT, and we are tired and if I am honest sometimes feel hopeless and stuck and not sure how much harder we can try and yet, on some level we both know bad times do not last forever and we do not know when the answers will come.

I was not sure what would come out exactly when I started typing… I did not want to go into too much detail, but I needed to get shit off my chest. Usually I feel better, but right now… I don’t. Maybe I will blog again more often and see if I can help myself work through some of it, or maybe I will just get a journal and do it more privately.

Anyway… thanks for reading my ramblings and have a good night. While I hope you as the reader can relate, I really hope your life isn’t feeling as shitty as mine right now.

I used to think I was a great communicator. The highlight of my day was to find someone who loved to talk about anything and everything! I loved when I could spend hours talking with a friend (or even a stranger I just met) and we could start out talking about one thing and by the time we finished, we had talked about everything under the sun and could still find more to talk about, like the conversation never truly ended! My soul feels like it comes alive when I converse that way with someone and I always thought that the other person and I BOTH just kind of interrupted each other from time to time, jumping from topic to topic, but we still heard each other and we were ok with the interruptions, because that’s how the conversation was going. At times, it almost felt intoxicating!

However, in the last 6-7 years my life changed drastically from what it used to be. I am in a new location, the people I used to be around on a daily basis has changed, the type of work I do has changed. I have changed as well.. life forces that on you sometimes. But the CORE me? I’m still here. I still LONG for deep and meaningful conversation, but it seems that suddenly in the last few years, it has been a struggle to communicate.

My words and intentions are completely misunderstood, I have become the villain in so many people’s lives, and I try so hard to communicate, but it’s like my methods suddenly became outdated. I almost feel like I imagined a time when my sparkpeople blogs were read by several people, and where people enjoyed having conversations with me. Like, I remember people telling me how “self aware” I was and how well I wrote and communicated and acting like they were so impressed with that!

Now, the feedback I get is that I ramble too much, that I interrupt all the time, but nobody seems to realize they also interrupt, even more than I do! I get feedback that I “act” like I do not like people and I have NO IDEA how they got that idea! Nobody seems interested in my ideas, or thoughts, or what I know and believe and think. I feel like I’m only around to listen to what everyone else has to say and they don’t care what I have to say. They will ask, but when I answer, I am too much. When I just share my ideas, I am “forcing people to do my bidding” when I really am not saying you are wrong, do it this way, I am just discussing ideas!

It shakes my confidence in this area and makes me question myself and everyone in my past. Were they just telling me what I wanted to hear? Am I really self absorbed and oblivious to the point that I cannot see what I am doing? Were they just putting up with me?

MAYBE… and I hope maybe this is the real answer, even though it makes me feel bad about myself. Maybe… I HAVE talked too much, maybe I HAVE shared my ideas without invitation and this is life’s way of calling me to a higher level of communication where I listen more than I talk? Maybe it’s time for me to process things on my own inside myself and only share my ideas when people ask and then just share tidbits, so as not to overwhelm them? Maybe it’s the universe telling me to shut the fuck up and let someone else talk for awhile, to focus on others and making them feel heard?

If that is the case, why does it feel like an insult? Why does it feel draining and like I am not present anymore and like my voice is suppressed? Am I looking at it wrong? Am I sharing with the wrong people? Maybe I just need to learn who wants to hear me and who doesn’t or maybe that is even wrong? MAYBE, it’s more about who needs me to just listen to them and not offer feedback, and who wants to actually engage in a conversation and who it is that loves conversation as much as I do and is not bothered by my excitement when we strike a mutual chord?

I guess it’s time to quit fighting and stomping my feet demanding to be heard and valued and listened too and just listen to others and then be grateful when the time comes when someone WANTS to hear what I have to offer. I am not sure where to start with this, except to be more aware of the urge to speak and then stop and listen and ask myself if they are inviting me to speak or if they just need to be heard?

So many times we, meaning I too, sit around wishing, but not doing.

We want a cleaner house, a smaller waistline, more money, better relationships with family and significant others, less clutter, more fulfilling jobs and so on.

We research it and read about it, we watch videos and how to’s, we talk about it, dream about it, even visualize it and we WAIT for it to happen.

So, remember my blog titled Self Care? I talked about Laura Doyle and relationships and how she said if you want to improve your relationship, to START with self care! I made my list of 20, but I admit that I do not always get 3 things done in a days time and I need to start prioritizing it!

So, the next step is to focus on your desires, the things you want! This is why… what you focus on increases, if you focus on what you DON”T want, that will increase, but if you focus on what you want, THAT will increase. She talked about how we will often not know what we desire or that as soon as we think it, we will dismiss it, or think how impossible it is and then we feel hopeless and stuck, but if we allow ourselves to admit what we want, even if we think it might be impossible, we allow ourselves to dream and to think about maybe it could, or what if it could happen?

She says we need to make a list of things we desire, even if they are contradictory or if they change from day to day or time to time, to just allow ourselves to express our desires is a healthy habit. She says this is important, because after we list our desires, she will teach us how to say them out loud to our partner WITHOUT manipulation or expectation. Plus, she says, when we are tempted to complain, we can ask ourselves, “What is my unexpressed desire behind this complaint?”

I am not sure how this will work or how it will improve my relationship, but this is a relationship I want to last forever, so I am willing to change my ways of communication in order for that to happen!

Here’s my list of desires…

1. To lose my belly fat AND not have loose skin.
2. To go on a romantic getaway with just Mel.
3. Have a closer relationship with my kids again and for them to give Mel respect
4. New bra & undies
5. Clothing I’ve never had.. like, bralettes, more interesting lingerie, a bustier, boots, cute shoes, good fitting leggings with tops that look good with them, everyday dresses…
6. To be healthier and more fit to do active things
7. To regain the range of motion in my shoulders, so that I can use my arms to do normal things without pain.
8. To try more hairstyles
9. To get the hair treatment I want, can’t think of the name of it right now, but it makes your hair look all healthy and pretty again.
10. To have a clean organized home that feels peaceful and comfortable and that I can entertain in.

So, I realize the first one might be impossible as large as my stomach is, BUT, maybe, just maybe one day I will have to funds to get skin removal surgery after I lose the fat? This is one that is super fun to think about, because it also ties into desire number 6, to be able to do more active things in my life without being hindered!

So, I listed my desires, it was hard not to expound on them further, because that’s me, that’s how I am, lol! Now, I will read on to find out how to speak these aloud without any kind of manipulation or expectation. That’s super hard, I already know… because most of everything we do, has some kind of expectation tied to it!

Wish me luck!
Shanshe

I typically know when I need to blog. I can tell the need is there when I start feeling sad, conflicted, stressed or I have all this stuff to say and nobody to say it to!

Here’s the thing, I was wondering why when I started blogging last month I was blogging almost daily and sometimes twice a day and then I slacked off. Well, when I realized the truth of the last statement, it makes more sense. I had a lot of build up of emotions and thoughts and struggles and I had no good place to get it all out.

It makes sense now that I am in a better place and not having to blog as much, because I pretty much unloaded, haha!

I think part of the reason I feel the need to blog is because work is super stressful right now and I don’t have time to chill out and take care of me, my self care is lacking and I’m feeling emotional and stressed in other areas as well because of there’s no downtime at work because it’s “rush”.

Plus, I want and NEED time with my boyfriend, just him and I AWAY from home and it seems no matter what we plan or what’s going on, it just isn’t happening! It’s frustrating to no end that something just keeps coming up over and over! We’ve had several issues that seem to keep recurring and I feel like we need some fun time to bond and let go of the tension if that even makes sense!

And now it has taken me 2 days to do this crazy blog and I only feel I’ve gotten just a tiny bit out and I do not have time to continue. So, I’m going to post this and hope for more time tomorrow to blog.

To the beach, that is… I had fun, but I feel like we didn’t plan it as well as we should have and the reason for that is… (besides money which is ALWAYS an issue), some of it, we just did not know how it would turn out, so we couldn’t really plan for it, ya know?

The majority of our trip was spent in the car…, partly due to money, and partly due to not planning enough or taking the right things to occupy the kiddos. So… I’m trying to let the crummy parts of the trip roll off and just focus on the fun parts and possibly even re-frame some of the crummy parts into a new way of looking at it. I mean, the rental car with deposit and all was about $500. However, we looked online and if we plan the trip at the right time, we could fly round trip for 2 people, along with the hotel for the week AND a rental car while there for a little over $1,000! Plus, if we had rearranged our drive… we would have had more time with all 4 of us (we were picking one kid up) AND… I think Christmas and birthdays will bring US (Mel and I) a Christmas present of portable DVD players or something, lol! Plus, we need beach toys next time and a better more secluded beach so we can find some sea shells! Everything seemed rushed a bit and next time we will plan for more downtime so we can relax and enjoy more.

However… the beach!! Oh my! I LOVED every second there! The sun, the sand, the salt water, the smell! Last beach I saw was Daytona and unless it’s changed, it’s a dump compared to Ft. Walton Beach! I would love to visit different beaches along the coast in the future! That water was clear and green (almost like clear turquoise or mint green) and just absolutely gorgeous!

I noticed a difference in myself. I wasn’t looking around comparing myself to other women, or to see if there were any fat ladies like me, or whatever, I just had fun and I felt somewhat confident! I wasn’t worried that people might be looking at me and judging. My bathing suit looked nice and the only problem was that the bottoms wanted to slide down in the front and the top wanted to slide up, but I just pulled the bottoms up and pulled the top down. It helped that I got to dye my grays before heading down there and I found some cool sunglasses that looked good on me! I took way too many selfies with those sunglasses, lol! I like this new version of me, just being who I am and trying to enjoy the moment!

I still have work to do though! If you look at my body… you would think, ya know, if you just cut the belly off, the rest is ok, it can be exercised, toned, rounded… but the belly. THAT is my nemesis, it’s huge and it gets in my way in practically EVERYTHING! It makes walking hard, it makes intimacy difficult, it makes clothes looking decent near impossible. It makes me look like i have chicken legs. I can’t sit and bend straight over to tie my shoes, I can’t shave the bikini line, I can’t paint my toe nails, I can’t see underneath my stomach… I realize that stress causes cortisone levels to increase and cortisone causes stomach fat. I had ALOT of stress for ALOT of years and I gave up on exercise at times and I gave up on trying to look good and I had people who were supposed to love me tell me that now that my stomach had drooped and had gotten so big that no matter what I did, no matter how much I lost or how much I exercised that I would never get rid of my stomach flab and that it might even hang  lower and that I would NEVER have the money to get a tummy tuck, etc… I had an unexpected pregnancy at 27 and while pregnant, the stomach got huge and I had that droop all of a sudden where the hard pregnant belly was higher and that lower droop was loose and flabby, and then after EACH baby, I would gain 30 pounds in 3 months and I believe now that it was post-partum depression.

ANYWAY… I have decided that if I lose weight that I might still have a stomach and it might be flab, BUT… it will be smaller and easier to maneuver and it will, if nothing else SMOOSH easier! 😉 AND… maybe I will have insurance that will pay for skin removal?? I don’t want to be SKINNY, but I want to be able to move and function and improve my HEALTH and hopefully my life span expectancy! I have alot to live for!

Shanshe